Trying this Blogging thing again...

Okay, the first round of blogging didn't quite work for me so I'm trying this again too. I'm seeing a theme here. Just a quick background story of me. On Dec. 26th, we found out that we would lose our baby boy - I was 21 weeks, 2 days pregnant. It was the saddest, most heartbreaking day of my life. In an instant our whole lives changed - again - and our hopes and expectations for that baby we so very much wanted and were looking forward to were gone. We were faced with tough, sad decisions...some of which I'm not sure I would do again knowing what I know now. But still, we're here - today, 9 weeks past that terrible day and we're picking up the pieces and moving on.

Getting here hasn't been easy. After finding out there were no results from the tests done after losing the baby (meaning they couldn't get anything due to the loss), I feel like we're starting over. Back to the OB for me. I was told to wait 2 cycles before TTC again, but the reality is that in April I don't think I'll be quite ready. I miss my baby boy. Every day I think of him and that he should be here, with me, almost ready to make his big entrance into the world. But instead, he's gone - I like to think he's with my grandparents in Heaven, watching over us. Getting through the loss and the sadness has been very tough but each day I feel it's getting better. I'm finding hope in trying again. I'm also finding hope in that he'll send a brother or sister for us, to stay here this time.

And now about my inner workings. We concieved baby boy #1 on the first month "trying" - a miracle! I stopped taking BCPs three months before. We waited those long 3 months, per my doctor, before trying and we got that BFP that first month. Wow! So now, when we try again, I hope we can concieve as quickly too. I'm hoping for a BFP in May - it would be a significant month, since baby boy was due May 6th (Mother's Day weekend to boot!). I know our second baby and my second pregnancy will be different than the first - I'm filled with fear and anxiety when the first time I was naive and overly excited. That comes with the territory. But I can't let that fear take over - we still both want to be parents and for that reason, we will try again.

Ugh. "Again". But yes, the truth is that it's a second try for us. I have to say though - I'm taking what I've learned the first time around to make this journey even better. I feel like good must come from all of the sadness and I must learn what my first baby taught me. That I'm stronger than I thought I could be. And that I want to be a mommy yet again more than anything.

So welcome, to my journey of trying again.