A Year Overdue

Wow has it been a long time since I've posted! I think about this blog & those of my "blogger" friend often. Now that it seems as though everyone is having yet another baby, it reminds me even more of what I've been through & the journeys of others here online.

Here's the very quick update on what's going on with me.

*BabyK is now ToddlerK as she's 22 months old. It's CRAZY to think that I have an almost two year old. It seems like really not all that long ago I was pregnant & then had her. Time is going by so fast, too fast, really.

*She is the most wonderful, amazing little person on the Earth. She's well behaved (minus the random tantrums!), exceptionally smart (she knows all the letters) and so very cute (I take responsibility for that). She's healthy, happy & an all around total joy in my life.

*Being a mother is the most rewarding feeling that I can't even begin to describe. It's also the most challenging but I like to think I'm somewhat good at it. Sometimes.

Overall, things are very very well. We have our moments where I think life with a toddler is actually harder than life with a newborn but all-in-all, I'm loving every second of it.

I have to say that as time goes on, I can feel the change in myself that happens not only as a mother but as a person. I am not the person I was even a year ago. I hope it's for the better. As the challenges of parenting change, I feel I change too. Right now, I'm struggling with finding a balance to accept parts of my life the way it is (perfection is no longer a word in my vocabulary; getting to bed before midnight takes a huge effort on my part; eating healthy and not snacking 24/7 takes a LOT of willpower & planning) ect ect ect.

Since this is my blog about my past, I do have to say that it's been 3 years since we lost our first baby & although time does help heal, you never ever ever forget. In fact, I think as much about our first baby now as I did back when we were going through it all. A day doesn't go by that I don't think of him. I still miss him very, very much.

Being around pregnant women is the nature of the beast these days. I'm involved with mom's groups and there are dozens of women I know who are pregnant. I have friends who have fertility issues, friends who've had miscarriages, friends who have one child but cannot have another....it's quite a diverse group of mothers. I'm pretty open about what happened to me - most people know although most don't ask. My husband still refers to our loss as "what happened 3 years ago" and not that we lost a baby.

I should clarify that we do want another baby in a few years! I'm not a point right now where getting & being pregnant is something I could handle. I'm just not there yet and neither is DH. And that's okay with me. I was the last of my friends to have baby #1; I'll probably be the last to have baby #2 as well. Someday we'll be tryingyetagain....again.

I hope everyone is Blogland is doing wonderful & everyone is healthy and as happy as can be.
Happy 2008! I promise to update more often and check on my friends here more often too.

The Long Lost Update

Once I became a mom, I became the worst blogger ever. I am a totally different person now, one that I have to say I like very much and I'm very proud of. Although I haven't had time to blog, I think of my blog friends often and check for updates when I can.

Life as Mom has finally, as I call, come full circle. Things have slowed down some, but not really - I think by slow downed I mean become my new "normal". Baby is 8 months old, which I cannot BELIEVE! It's hard to think that she won't be this little forever and that I won't always be a new and hopefully overwhelemed mom.

She is the best baby ever! She sleeps 8-12 hours a night, eats like a champ and is very happy 99% of the time. We had some problems breastfeeding when she was 4 months old and I weaned right after that, which was very hard for me but I have to say that it saved my sanity and she was much happier too. We've moved onto solid foods, sippy cups and biter biscuits - and I'm amazed that her first birthday is 4 months away. Which doesn't seem all that long right now but I can think of times in my life when 4 months (make that 4 DAYS!) was an eternity.

When jumped on the computer tonight, I thought I would visit my before-baby blog because today is the anniversary of losing my first baby. The day after Christmas, just two years ago, was the saddest and hardest day of my life - which started another life changing time for me. I wasn't the same person I was just over two years ago and every day I think of the baby boy that should be here with me, but who's not. And never in a million years would I have thought that two years later, I would have an 8 month old baby girl, who is here with me and so perfect. I don't know why he's not here and she is, but they are both so special in my book - she because I get to see her every day and he, well, because he is always in my heart.

So to my long lost blog friends - comment me so I can catch up with you! I hope you're all doing well and that life, in the last 8 months, has been good to you.

Happy 2007 everyone.

Needles are Not So Bad

Today baby had her 2 month well baby visit. Which is funny because she was well when she went in but not too happy when we left. She had her shots today! 3 of them, in the thighs. I've heard horror stories of babies getting thier shots - I wasn't sure what to expect. But baby did really well! She cried and was upset but calmed down and has been sleepy today. Otherwise, I can't complain because it was a great checkup.

The rundown:

*11 pounds, 11 ounces. That's in the 75th percentile. She was 8 pounds, 13 ounces at her 6 week appt so the doctor was very pleased. This also means I am successful breastfeeding. Woo hoo! What a great feeling.

*24 inches long. This is very long and in the 90th percentile! Dh asked if that meant she'd be tall - Dr. M said it's too early to tell, but maybe. Sweet. That also means her long torso will out grow all of her cute onesies very fast.

*I had a whole list of questions, which of course, I left at home. So I pretty much asked everything that came to mind. Sunscreen? Sure, we can use it now as needed. Bowlegged legs? Normal. Being rocked or swinging to sleep? Time to start trying out putting her down sleepy, but we're not spoiling her (yet) with letting her swing to sleep. Again, sweet.

She's been sleepy today but doing well and I'm surprised. I have to say that leaving the doctor's office today I felt proud and that I can really do this - it's a great feeling! Through all the tough times with a newborn, it was great to finally feel like I know what I'm doing afterall.

The First 8 Weeks

Holy crap, I can't believe it's been so long since I've posted! Wow! The time is flying by. Things are going MUCH better now. Honestly, the first 2 weeks and then some are a total blur and I can't believe it's only been a month or so since then. What a roller coaster parenthood is.

But I'm loving it! Baby K is 8 weeks old now. She is just the cutest thing ever! Of course I'm sure every parent thinks that but it's true. Ha. We're still getting into a routine - which how much of a routine can we have at this point anyway?!?!- but each week is better. She's a superstar sleeper and sleeps 4-6 hour strechs at night. She's an all around happy baby, not too fussy (knock on wood!) and pretty easy to entertain right now. I am so, so lucky.

We have her 2 month appt at the pediatrician office on Tuesday. I have a huge list of questions, which I can't wait to ask, and she's going to get her first round of shots. Eeeks. I hear it's terrible so I'm bracing myself but I'm sure once she cries, I'll cry too. But we will survive.

I had my 6 week postpartum appt. It was uneventful. I got the all clear to resume my 'pre-pregnancy activities', work and otherwise (wink, wink). Ironically, two days after my appt, I got my period. It's weird because as you all know, I'm breastfeeding - and I'm on the pill. Go figure. I actually called on Thursday to find out what the deal was since my breastfeeding sherpa friends all said they didn't get a period until after weaning, so I'm wondering what's up. But the nurse never called me back....SIGH.

And, now the boobie update. I'm happy to report that breastfeeding is going very well. I'm really happy with it and I'm pretty proud of myself. Pumping, however, sucks and I hate it. I try to pump once a day when I'm not at work. I manage to pump every 3-4 hours when I am at work and it's such a pain - pumping in the car sucks too. But it's necessary so I do it, although my goal is 6 months of breastfeeding and I'm 1/3 of the way there. Yipeeeee for that.

I have joined the new mommy's group and it's one of the BEST things ever to happen to me. It's very weird at first - like a therapy group but everyone's got a kid. We went back the second week and made new friends. And now it's awesome. I feel like I belong there and everyone's really nice, which is great. I'm pleasantly surprised. We also have started going to story hour at the library once a week which was another pleasant surprise. Me with a baby. In a Mommy group. And at story hour.

It's all still surreal.

Surviving W Day

My short lived maternity leave is over. I went back to work on Friday.
It was pure hell but I survived!! Yey me.

First off, I only work part-time and I'm away from baby Friday through Sunday. I have a screwy work schedule though. I travel around, so I'm not in the same place for more than 2 days in a row. I have an unpredictable work day so I never know how many hours I'll be gone. I have to drive anywhere from 20-90 miles each way to work.

But the good news is that I have family to watch the baby. I'm very thankful for that.

I was anxious for W Day (work day). My milk stock was small - I only had enough milk frozen for two feedings and fresh milk for 4 feedings. But I had no idea how much she'd drink since she doesn't usually get a bottle! So I was ready to supplement with formula as needed. I also needed to pump while I was gone, which I hoped to do every 4 hours or so.

But it all worked out. It was really hard. I had to drive 90 miles each way to work, in the rain. I had to pump in the car which is just comical! I found a nice big open parking lot to pump in which was private. Except for my first morning pumping session and the employees who worked nearby all parked near me. By then, I'd lost some of my modesty and while pumping in my non-tinted window car, I just covered what I could and avoided eye contact.

It was like the first day of school - leaving the baby was a little hard but I know it's good for me to get out too. And back to work. Now that I've gotten through the first weekend, I think it's still going to be hard but at least I know what to expect and I know that I can do it. Baby ended up getting only a small amount of formula and mostly my milk. And I was able to freeze what I pumped so I now have a small freezer stash.

Oh, I had a blocked duct - OUCH!! We got the okay from the pediatrician to let the baby sleep for as long as she wants at night - thank goodness!! She took full advantage and slept from 11pm to 5am the first night. Good for baby, bad for mommy's milk ducts. The plug has since gotten better but it's still sore.

She's doing so well with the sleeping (knock on wood!) She's going from 5-6 hours at night. Yey.

Otherwise, things are going well. I'm just really happy to be feeling more "normal" again and like a person, rather than a zombie who doesn't leave the house. It's a good feeling and I really like being a mom.

Tomorrow we're going to a mommy/baby class....wish us luck!

4 1/2 Weeks and 3 1/2 Ounces

If you had asked me several years ago if I'd ever breastfeed, I would have said no way. I didn't think it was something I could ever do. It just didn't seem to be "for me", so to speak. I didn't understand it or its benefits and I just wasn't interested, period.

And then I became a mom.

I've said it before but breastfeeding is one of the most difficult things I've ever done. It was hard at first and it hurt. It's a huge commitment - for time, for my nipples, for my brain. I had a not-so-nice lacation lady yell at me on baby's day two and I really thought that was it. Baby girl would latch and not suck and her jaundice made her not wanting to nurse anyway. That was just the first day! Then I entered the land of nipple shields, which pretty much make mom's boobies a "bottle" to get the baby to suck. With nipple shields came the breast pump, since you have to pump when using them, and this was all happening before my milk came in anyway.

I spent 4 hours with a wonderful nurse on day 3 who showed me how to use my pump. I found a great website and got the top of the line Pump in Style Advance before the baby was born. It's a good thing she showed me how to use it because I don't know if I would have ever figured it out. So 4 hours and a lot of hands on my boobs later, I had 2 cc's of colostrum pumped. If you don't know how much that is, it's a tiny little dot. But it was exciting - pumping had worked and something came out. Wow!! I never thought my breasts could do that.

I've had many, many breakdowns since that night. On a fussy night, I thought the baby was still hungry so I pumped to see what I got - and I got nothing. Literally. My breakdown that followed was pretty rough as I thought the baby was starving. I was sure we'd go back to her 2 week appointment and she'd have lost weight. Another night she was cluster feeding - which I had never heard of nor knew existed! - and I thought my nipples were going to fall off. We gave her formula, which upset me even more although now, I don't think it's such a bad thing! Between breastfeeding and pumping, which in itself is a whole other challenge I've had, I've come very close several times to throwing in the towel.

But I stuck it out. Baby girl is actually very good at breastfeeding and we're a team. My goal is to make it 6 months. I've spent 4 1/2 weeks now nursing and pumping. Going back to work is my next challenge. When I started pumping, I was getting less than 1/2 ounce at a time. Baby girl needs 3-4 ounces for a bottle for one feeding. SIGH. I really didn't think I'd ever make a bottle, let alone a whole day's worth of milk.

I am happy to report that this morning, I froze 3.5 ounces of milk that I pumped in two sessions in ONE DAY. Yey! I have a long way to go but I'm so proud of myself for making it this far. And for baby girl. She's my partner in this crazy journey and I'm doing it all for HER. Sure, we might have to supplement with formula on days that I work (I only work part-time and I have screwey schedule...Friday through Sunday I work away from baby) but I'm okay with that. I feel like I have the best of both worlds. She breastfeeds, takes a bottle of my milk which I'm able to pump, she'll take formula and she even takes pacifiers with no confusion at all.

Life is good.

Waxing is Relaxing

Today I did a normal person activity! I got my eyebrows waxed. My mom watched baby while I ran out to get it done. Boy oh Boy did it feel good! I never thought any kind of wax could be so wonderful. It's crazy!!

Baby girl was up from 3am on today. She wasn't fussy - just cooing at herself and smiling all night long at her toys. Cute, yes. Good for Mommy sleeping, no. SIGH.

Hopefully at her next appt in 4 weeks we'll get the okay to let her sleep through the night. I cannot wait for that! Otherwise, being a Mom is going well. Today was a rough day. I try to remind myself that's okay - some days will be good and some days will be bad. And tomorrow's a new day and a good day so I just have to hang in there.

I'm still struggling with pumping milk for my freezer stash. I only pumped once today (bad me!) but I got almost 2 ounces, which is the most ever for a pumping session. Woo hoo. Go team nipples.

Being a mom has taught me I can do things I never thought I could.