We Have a Heartbeat

Today I went for my doctor's appointment. I had planned on begging for an ultrasound before 20 weeks, but turns out I didn't have to. They have a new machine and wanted to test it out and I was a good candidate.

WE HAVE A HEARTBEAT!

I almost cried. Had it not been for the screen being tilted so I couldn't see it quite right, I would have. But there it was, beating away. The doctor said about 150 beats per minute. I could not be happier. It made today's nausea all worth it.

I have lost a pound since Tuesday. Which is odd, since my stomach is poufy already. I saw my mom today and she said it looked like I'm getting a little belly (gee, thanks Mom!) I don't even care, all I want is to stay pregnant (and not being so sick would be very nice).

According to their measurements, I am 7 weeks, 3 days pregnant today. Okay, that works for me.

Guy Dr. wasn't as bad as I had thought it would be. It was a little weird but he was very nice. We talked about my loss - which he had read my files before I got there, which was a nice change - and he doesn't foresee why I should have any problems because of it. Thank God. He did say he'd send my file to Maternal Fetal Medicine to see what they think - but he doesn't think they'll add or change anything about my prenatal care.

Today feels really, really good.

Getting My Thoughts Together (Or Trying To)

I have been SO out of it the last few days, I haven't been able to post. I'm tired, so tired and work is so busy that when I'm home, I'm sleeping. I haven't done housework, cleaning or even laundry in a week...which is odd for me. My energy is gone by the end of the day and when I do get home, flopping on the couch takes the rest of it out of me.

My emotions are all over the place. I am so very happy to be pregnant - but it's so hard to enjoy it and not be worried. Just when I thought I had a grip on that, the morning sickness set it. And the afternoon sickness and now, the night sickness. And I mean I'm sick. Throwing up, nauseated and dizzy. It SUCKS. I am able to keep some food down each day, which is amazing considering, but the smell or even sight of food at the wrong minute sends me into that terrible I'm-gonna-be-sick mode.

I was very sick with my last pregnancy as well. Which, of course, makes me nervous. Friday I had a breakdown - I was worried that because I'm so sick with this pregnancy, something could be wrong too. I try to talk myself out of it, but it's hard. I try to reassure myself that millions of women are sick during pregnancy and they have healthy babies. I try to tell myself that this, hopefully soon, will pass.

My first appointment was Tuesday, 8/23. It went as well as could be, I guess. It was a meeting with the nurse - and a lot of questions. She had no idea of my history so when the question "Have you had two or more miscarriages or a stillbirth?" came up, I just stared at the paper. I told her I didn't know what to answer because I didn't give birth - but I was over 20 weeks with my loss. She just kinda looked at me and said, "Answer no, we'll go over that in a few minutes when I get your history". I was a little pissed off - answer NO?!? I didn't answer no, but she didn't mention it so I think she took the hint.

Then she actually had the balls to say, "Why did you have a D&C at 21 weeks? That was very late for that, I can't believe you had that procedure that far along." SIGH. I told her because it my choice and again, she didn't say anything. I was glad, since she wasn't exactly tactful.

But, back to positive. The due date she gave me is April 15th, 2006. Tax Day. I'll take it! It doesn't jive with her telling me I was 6 weeks, 1 day pregnant (4/15/06 is a Saturday?!) so I'm counting the weeks on Sundays since it's kind of in the middle.

Today I am 7 weeks pregnant.

I have an appointment tomorrow with the doctor, Guy Dr. I am going to ask for an ultrasound. The nurse told me they usually don't do them until 18-20 weeks, but I hate to think of waiting that long. She did say that at my appointment after tomorrow's, we should be able to hear the heartbeat (assuming all is well!) and that is kinda nice.

I really, really just want to make it to 12 weeks.

Bloated, Tired and Wanting to Throw Up

Ah, today the symptoms of pregnancy hit me like a brick wall.

I have been nauseated since Friday night but today has been the worst day yet. I actually thought I might throw up but I didn't, although I might feel better if I did. I am tired and can't do anything - it took all the energy I had to do a load of laundry this morning. And my stomach is HUGE. I'm wondering if I have an little stomach bug on top of being pregnant, or if this is all just the "little bean" as we've started to call it.

On one hand, I am happy to have these symptoms. It's a reminder that I still am pregnant. If I didn't have them, I'd probably worry that something was wrong.

On the other hand, I'm miserable. BUT, I'm trying not to complain about it. I'm also a little scared because I'm only 6 weeks (or so) and I'm feeling so sick. I was really, really sick with my last pregnancy. This being the same common thread between the two so far is making me nervous. I'm trying to convince myself that is silly - pregnant women have morning (or all day!) sickness all the time and it doesn't mean anything is wrong.

Only about one more day until my doctor's appointment. Woohoo. I'm really hoping for an ultrasound - or at least to get one scheduled. I need to know Little Bean is in there, in the right spot and with the right equipment for now. That's the next hurdle. Grow, little bean, grow.

Back to the couch I go.

Drumroll Please....

It's official - for right now anyway, I am pregnant.

Nurse R called back ten minutes after we left for vacation. She said my blood test was positive and my beta number was very normal and it was 2,087. VERY good news! I went online to a beta website and it seems to be normal, a little high actually for 20dpo, which is what I think I was. Yey!! I am so happy to get the good news!!

I am still anxious, of course, but I'm trying to stay positive. It does help sometimes, but I just want to see a heartbeat. That's what I'm holding out for. It seems like the next time I can breathe a little - just a tiny bit, that is. Like first, okay, we got a positive blood test. Whew. Now...I need a heartbeat. Confirmation that things are moving along as they should be. That would be so great right now.

But I do have an appt on Tuesday with the nurse. I'm looking forward to that actually, I'm hoping for more info on when they'll see me and what the schedule's like for this pregnancy. They have no idea what a nutcase I am right now! I need many, many appointments!!

We told my in-laws this weekend about our news. Of course, they were excited. I wanted to wait, but being on vacation, not drinking AND having to nap every 10 minutes gave it away. I'm planning to tell my parents and sister tomorrow or this week...very soon. Then we're holding off until a couple of weeks...I'm only telling people that are very supportive right now. That's what I need, the rest can wait.

No Beta Yet

Sorry girls! It's time for us to leave for vacation and no beta number yet!! Ack! I was hoping to get it before I left. BUT if I can get to a computer while we're gone, I'm SO posting it.

I hope for much more good news when I get back!

Beta Day!

Today is Beta Day! Yeah!! I called Dr. S this morning and the nurse said she's talk with her to see if she wanted a blood or urine test for me. And Nurse R called back - blood test it is! I went right in and Nurse R said she'd call me tomorrow morning herself with the results. I'm hoping for high, high, high!!!

I also got to make my first two prenatal appointments. Next Tuesday, 8/23 and the following Monday, 8/29. The 8/23 appt is with the nurse - I think it's like an "intake" appt, mostly informational. Then my appt 8/29 is with a doctor - not my doctor, but one in the practice. Dr. S is on vacation that week. The doctor I'm seeing, Dr. D, is a guy! I'm a little weirded out by that but hopefully he won't want to examine me, we'll see. I know it shouldn't bother me but I just don't understand how a male can understand any of what I'm going through right now. Oh well, I'll take what I can get!!

So that's where today is! Busy but happy Monday. I am relieved that everything finally came together today. I'm worrying about the spotting from last week but trying not too. Having to talk about it today made me worry. That's the only thing negative I'm trying to get through right now.

Tomorrow I'll have a lovely beta number. Unfortunately for you guys, I'm going on vacation until Saturday! BUT, if I can get Internet, I'll post. Keep everything crossed still!

The receptionist I made my appointments with said, "So you're 5 weeks, right"? I kinda smiled and thought - yes, yes I am!

Longest Week Ever

This has been such a long week. It feels like a month yet it's only been 8 days since my first positive test. I am looking forward to Monday because I get to go to the doctor but all this waiting is emotionally draining. I'm hoping to get reassurance from them and hopefully some kind of appointment for maybe the week after. I know it's still very early but I need some kind of " you're not crazy" support going on.

There are so many thoughts going through my head! I'm afraid, nervous and anxious. I want this to be it. I want to be positive but I don't want to get my hopes up. And I want another week to go by, or a few so I can be a little further along and have better chances that this is going to be okay afterall.

I am so tired! I know it's part of the symptoms right now, and it's okay!! I actually don't mind it for once. I also have an off/on queasy stomach - after eating, I sometimes want to throw up. I have to pee every 10 minutes. And my ta-ta's have had makeover - they are big and sore!! This part I like. I like the symptoms because they remind me that I'm still pregnant.

Me, pregnant again. I'm keeping everything crossed!

Trying to Find the Balance

Tonight I took the digital HPT. It was actually a present from one of the two people I've told about my positive test. I have been afraid to take that one because I know it's the least sensitive of the bunch.

But there it was, the glorious words...PREGNANT!

I showed it to dh because he's been having a hard time with the believing-I'm-pregnant thing. He joked that needed a doctor's note. I think seeing the words made it a little more real, although we're both trying to find the balance of learning its real, without getting our hopes up. I'm finding that to be tough.

I've told myself that if I just want to get to 6 weeks right now. What I really want is to have an ultrasound and see something - that everything's growing as it should be. Of course, I want a heartbeat too but that seems so far away.

As Holly said in her comment to me, I'm going to try to enjoy today. One day at a time. It seems like each day is so long, but I really want to enjoy it for as long as it lasts (hopefully 36 more weeks!)

Send good thoughts to Holly and Sara, they've gotten BFPs too!

The Line is Darker

Thank God - the line on this morning's test is darker!! The spotting has stopped...woo hoo. I'm still not counting my chickens before they hatch, so to speak, but I'm feeling better about the lines getting darker. I am still holding out for Monday, first thing is a trip to the ob's office for a test for me. At this point, I just want confirmation. The spotting has freaked me out but I've talked with a few other girls who had it very early too, when AF was due so that was a tiny bit reassuring. Now, back to the regularly scheduled waiting.

Another Day of the Roller Coaster Ride

Today I feel a little better. The spotting has almost stopped - there's a tiny bit still going on. I'm not having any cramps. And I feel like I might throw up at any second. I tested again this morning - which I debated about doing - but I wanted to see if the line was darker. It's a hair darker (if not the same) as yesterday. I did compare them to the earlier ones (these are the FRE ones - which I hear are known for light lines!) and they've gotten darker since Friday.

I also debated about calling the doctor. I know they're just going to tell me wait, since today makes the day I should get my period if I'm not pregnant. I'm not even late yet. And there's really nothing they can do. If the spotting comes back (EEKS!) or continues for much longer, I will call though - they should at least know about it.

So that's where I stand today. I'm afraid that maybe this isn't going to stick. I'm trying to keep things in perspective. And my fingers crossed.

Hmmmmmm

Now I'm more confused than before. The spotting has almost stopped! Very strange. Of course, I googled it and found that sometimes spotting when you're expecting your period can happen. It could also be implantation bleeding. Isn't it too late for that? Google and Jevees say no.

I am still feeling my other pregnancy symptoms. My boobs are still huge and sore. I'm kind of crampy - the same as the last week or so. I have nausea. And I'm so tired. I went to bed at 9pm and just woke up two hours later.

So, here's to more waiting. I hate this. Hate, hate, hate it. I'm trying to have hope but also not get my hopes up. There's a fine line.

Keep everything crossed!

I'm Afraid It's Really All Not True

I am spotting. Just a little bit this afternoon - it happened about two minutes ago but I am freaking out. I called dh and he's freaking out too - he doesn't know what to say to me. I have no idea what this means and I'm afraid.

Wish me luck, I think I need it.

Now We Wait

I called Dr. S's office this morning. The nurse (who I'll call Nurse F for friendly!) told me they usually wait until you're two weeks late before making an appointment to come in. I asked if I could come in sooner to confirm if I'm pregnant. Nurse F was very nice but seemed to wonder why I wanted to come in.

Finally, I told her I lost a baby in December and I'm a nervous wreck right now. She was very sympathetic and asked if I was early in the pregnancy. I told her no. She said I could in right away for a urine test - but she did point out they are the same tests I have, they're just like the ones from any pharmacy. Good point. Then she asked me what I was thinking - and she told me she realized waiting two weeks would be like torture.

I told her she was right - it was still still early. And that I can wait until Monday to come in for a confirmation test. She said that was fine, to call next Monday and they'll get me right in. She said if I want to come in beforehand, just to call.

So that's the verdict. I feel a little silly for some reason, even though I know I shouldn't.

Now we wait.

My Big Faint Positive Update

This weekend was so crazy busy for me! I haven't had two minutes to update until right now and I wanted to give the update on my testing addiction.

Since Friday night, I have taken 7 pregnancy tests.
There is some kind of second line on them all.

I've used the First Response Early and Answer Early tests. Then just for fun, I used a regular Brooks Pharmacy brand not early test tonight. I also tried a dollar store test that a friend gave me - not an early one - and got a faint line last night on that one too.

So, it's looking like I just might really be...pregnant.

I am trying not to freak out. I think I'm still in shock. It's hard to believe, like maybe it's all my imagination or something. That's the hard part! I'm planning to call Dr. S first thing in the morning to make an appt for a blood test. Right now, I just need confirmation..someone to tell me I'm not going crazy. And that I really am pregnant.

On the symptoms front, my boobs are huge! They got that way overnight. It's crazy! I have a weird feeling in my stomach - which I remember from last time. Not crampy...just pressure-ish. I also thought I was going to throw up at the smell of food cooking tonight.

Now it's wait until the morning to see what's next. One day at a time, right? Right now I just want this to be true and then I can start going from there.

And BIG hugs and happy thoughts to Sara and Holly, who are in similar boats this weekend too.

Still Freaking Out

This morning I tested again. The line is lighter than yesterday.
Hmmmmmm.

Not much to do except wait now, I guess.

Faint Second Line

Well, well.

Tonight I got home and tested - I was trying to wait until Sunday but I just had this feeling I couldn't get over.....I just had to test.

There was a VERY faint second line.

Holy shit.

The first test was an early EPT and I dipped the stick for 15 seconds. About two minutes later, the second line appeared. It's light - but it's still there.

I called dh and told him to get more tests on his way home. He got another package of early EPTs along with two other boxes that say they can be used on the day of the missed period - which for me, is Monday or Tuesday.

I took a second early EPT and dipped for only 5 seconds and sure enough, two minutes later I got an even fainter, but still there, second line.

Tonight I am totally freaking out. I know it's still early - I'm only 10dpo tonight - but I just don't know what to think! I'm afraid that maybe it's a false positive or something. I've been SO tired for three days now, today I woke up with huge bbs and I've been nauseated off and on for a few days. I thought they were from being busy with work and all that good stuff - turns out that maybe they're signs I'm pregnant.

Wow. I may be pregnant.
This is surreal.

Indian Giver

Fertility Friend is an Indian Giver. They gave me the solid crosshairs - then took them back. Now they're dotted. I'm having some fertile CM after ovulation, which is totally stressing me out. I have no idea what this means. I also had a temp decrease the last few days and today is only 8dpo. Any thoughts?

And now I have to bitch about Britney Spears. Recently, I saw a picture of her in a magazine. She's HUGE. She was wearing the tiniest shorts I've seen in awhile. BUT that's not the bitch part - she was leaving a nail salon where she just got a full set of acrylic fingernails. And, my personal favorite - she had dyed her hair trailer trash blonde. I know it's all iffy as to what's safe while pregnant and what's not - but hair dye? AND acrylic nails?? How about being practical here...long nails with a newborn soon. What?!?! I don't get it. It irked me that not too long ago, we saw her "rushed" to the hospital for a possible miscarriage and now she's doing stupid shit like dying her hair and getting nails put on. Unbelievable.

Okay, enough of that. I also read somewhere that Demi Moore lost a baby (Ashton's?!) in the fifth month of pregnancy last month. This was a tabloid so who knows. I did find it ironic that right next to the loud, blaring headline of "Demi Loses Baby" was a picture of Angelina Jolie with her new adopted baby. Even in crazy tabloid land they just don't get it.

I am so busy this summer with work and staying caught up with everything going on around me. On one hand, the summer is flying by. I mean - it's August!? But on the other, it's a reminder that I should be pregnant by now. Or that I should have a 3 month old. And I hate that. That part of life moving on sucks.

Trying to wait to test until I just can't stand it anymore is NOT easy. I am pretty proud of myself that I've made it to 8dpo and haven't tested. Yey me. I really want to see how my chart's looking in a few days - I'm so discouraged right now. I just want to know. Although, I am very happy that my cycle will be shorter than last month - and it makes more sense. Trying to focus on the good parts. If I make it until Sunday to test, it would be a miracle. Well, getting a second line would be a miracle.

Oh please, oh please, oh please.