I'm in the POAS Club

Well, well. I never pictured myself peeing on a stick daily but alas, this is now a part of my everyday routine. I've gotten another OPK negative...which is not a surprise again. Why do they tell you to start testing so early? I think it's so you use more sticks and need to buy more, therefore spending more money.

It's all a big conspiracy!

At any rate, since I'm not sure when I ovulate, it could be up to another week or so that I keep getting negatives. I'm actually glad I'm trying this out during this cycle - if I had to keep getting the negative OPK for so long next month when we're actually trying, I might be disappointed. It's no fun to keep seeing that one pink line, but no second. Today is CD12, so here's to more days ahead of testing.

I'm trying to focus on the upcoming months. Thinking about being pregnant again makes me so happy but I don't want to jinx anything (although, I'm sure I believe in jinxes). I guess I don't want to get my hopes up by making plans for when I'm hopefully pregnant and then not be right away. So instead, I'm going to focus on what's going on in my life now, which means I'll be cleaning away since that helps pass the time and it keeps me busy.

If anyone has any suggestions on how to pass the time other than cleaning, let me know!

It's a gorgeous sunny day but I'm still feeling a little blah. It is also dh's birthday. Tomorrow is the first day of April so that makes it the month we start trying. Only four more weeks until our vacation. See, I guess it's not so blah afterall.

Cute thing dh said yesterday. So, I tell him everyday when I use an OPK and that it's negative. So last night he says, "Hun, why do you keep using them if they're going to come out negative? Aren't you wasting them?? It's been two days now. You can't have that many, right?" I kinda laugh and tell him that I have to use them everyday to get some kind of comparison going. Then I told him I bought 30 OPKs (value pack, baby!) and that you're supposed to use 10 or so per cycle. It was funny, he thought they were like HPTs - he just wasn't sure why I would take it knowing it was negative. And that they only came two in a package. He's so cute.

And now, onto April.

Finding the Balance

April is almost here. I'm happy about that because we're going to start TTC again in April. Although, wouldn't you know my cycles actually fall so I ovulate in May - meaning even though we want to start in April, it works out so we're not actually "trying" until May. Go figure.

I've been thinking a lot lately about how far I've come on this journey of healing. My answer can really depend on the day. It feels like I'm making progress some days but others, such as yesterday, seem like the hurt is still very new. I wish there was some kind of magical way I could heal and move forward yet remember the baby we've lost...but of course, I know there isn't a magical way. So instead, I'm here, doing the best I can day to day and trying to learn from this. Sometimes it seems as though I'm learning a lot - other times it's hard to believe this all really happened to me.

I think that's what it all boils down to, I can't believe this all really happened.

I have to say though, it's become a part of who I am. Again, this can be a good thing or a bad thing. Sometimes it's good - I've learned a lot about myself and my husband. I've learned I'm stronger than I thought I was. But sometimes it's bad - I've learned that I'll never stop missing the baby that's gone. I guess it's all about finding a balance.

I got another negative OPK today. I shouldn't be surprised - it's only CD11. According to mymonthlycycles.com, my "fertile days" don't start until Tuesday, which means my OPK might not turn positive for a few more days. At least I know now, so it's not so disappointing when I don't get a line. I've also found it ironic that OPKs look just like pregnancy tests. The reminders are constant.

I guess it all really is about finding that balance.

Emotionally Exhausted...again

Right after we lost the baby, I had a couple of really rough days (naturally) and I had this very drained, tired from the inside out feeling. Today, I feel that same way. I'm emotionally exhausted.

I'm not sure how I could have actually been looking forward to all of this testing. Sure, it's a step in the right directions. It's a step down my TTC path. But man oh man, I feel like my heart is broken...again.

After a very sleepless night (after spending most of it in tears, since I have very bad anxiety about the whole thing) I finally made myself go to get my blood work done. First stop was my OB's office. Of course, today is all-the-doctors-are-in day so it was packed. Full of glowing, pregnant women, all huge and probably most of them unaware of how lucky they are and how jealous I am.

It was terrible.

But yes, it gets worse. I get the paperwork, which has a list of 13 tests to be done, and on it says "ordered due to second trimester loss". True, but seeing it there was like a slap in the face. So I head over the hospital. It's *the* hospital - the place we went to first that night we lost the baby. It's *the* hospital where I went in, expecting to be sent home on bedrest and instead, I was told my baby would die in-utero and I left to go to another hospital to have him removed.

Again, it was terrible.

So I sit in the outpatient waiting area, finally get registered and I wait for 45 minutes. In the meantime, a few of the pregnant women from the OB's office made their way over. Apparently, it was blood test day or something, I don't know. And then - the icing on the cake. A TV show comes on, with two pregnant women and they're rubbing each others bellies, talking about how they feel like they were going to be pregnant forever.

I actually started to cry. It was an awful feeling - it's like I'm being tested or something. Why do I have to be put through that? Why me? Why did this have to happen to my baby and to me? I could only imagine someone asking me why I was there. I know it wouldn't happen but all I could think of was sitting there, right next to a pregnant women and thinking - it would be so terrible for her to know that I was there because my baby died.

It's such a strange feeling. But then - there was a glimmer of hope. I had tuned out the TV but the woman on the show actually mentioned that not everyone gets pregnant easily and the she had lost a baby - and another woman on the show had an ectopic pregnancy. Wow! Here I was, in tears, thinking that nobody in the whole world was feeling like I felt but yes - there was. It just seems so uncommon and that nobody talks about it. I feel like I'm in this secret club that nobody can talk about unless they're in it too - if only I had known about this before it happened. I guess that's one of the perks for next time - now I do.

17 tubes of blood later, I leave. I managed not to pass out, which is a big deal for me. The Vampire Nurse told me I had to wait so long because Dr. K had ordered so many tests and some of them were very uncommon that she had to call the lab to find out what they needed for them. Great, add that to my list of things I am - uncommon. Hmmphhh.

So tomorrow's another day. I guess I can keep hoping that tomorrow will be better. Now I'm waiting again for the test results...waiting and hoping, that's the story of my life these days.

Wish me luck.

Off to the Vampires I Go

You have to understand that I *hate* giving blood. I hate needles, I hate blood...I pass out every time I have to get something done with either. Dr. K (herself, not even Nice Nurse!) called just now and tomorrow I'm getting blood taken for my array of tests.

I've never been so happy in my life to get blood taken.

Dr. K said because we had no results from any of the tests (hello - no kidding!!) that she wants them to test me for everything. Which means, in her words, "a lot" of tubes of blood. I'm relieved. If they find something, which I doubt they will, I'll be curious to see what it is and if they don't, which I'm expecting, then fine, at least we can start to move forward.

At any rate, being that today is CD9, we should be able to start trying next month as planned. I'm happy about that. Dh is even happier, since he's ready. I am thrilled.

Kind of ironic since it's another blah day. I just can't kick this. Every day I wake up feeling okay and as the day drags on, I feel sad. The sadness is worse at night, then I go to sleep, wake up and repeat. I wish I could find a way to get through this quickly but I know it's a part of the process. It sucks.

I was going to start using the OPKs tomorrow but I really think I'll wait an extra couple of days. I doubt I'm even close to ovulating so I'll just save a couple of tests. Besides, it's all for fun this month anyway.

I ordered bracelets from BraceletsofHope.com and they arrived today. They are GORGEOUS! I bought one for myself, my mom, my sister and my mom in law. Each one is different but they're all significant to the person and the baby in some way. I'm going to give them to the ladies for Mother's Day. I love mine, I'm wearing it already and it really does give me something happy to remember my first pregnancy and the baby by. It's a really nice thing that is helping me heal.

Right now I feel like I need all the help I can get.

Egg Hunt now has a New Meaning

I'm feeling pretty blah tonight. I had a good day but I just kept thinking about what should-be. It's terrible, it really does make my heart hurt. I guess I'm having one of the "downs" on this up and down roller coaster I'm on. We had all of our parents over and it was a great time. But all day, I had a very bad case of the should-bes.

The week ahead is going to be a big step forward. I can feel it. I'm going to check in with Nice Nurse - she should have everything she needs to get the blood work appointment set up so I can get that going. I'm also going to start using the OPKs this week so wish me luck with that. Dh wants to start trying VERY badly this month but I keep telling him no. If by some small miracle we did get pregnant this month, I'd be due the week we lost the baby. I can't do it. Besides, I want to make sure there's nothing wrong with me. Which there isn't, I'm sure, other than I have a broken heart.

I've kind of expected Mother's Day paraphernalia to start popping up as of tomorrow. With Easter over, it and Passover are the next holidays. So I'm bracing myself for that. The closer my due date gets, the harder of a time I'm having. I hate being miserable.

I'm also starting to freak out. I'm afraid that we won't get pregnant right away. Of course, I'm hoping it happens next month, first try, but there's a most-likely chance that won't happen. I'm trying to prepare myself for that. It kind of all hit me today and I think that's part of my blah feeling.

Tomorrow's another day. Here's hoping it's better.
Oh, and Happy Easter to everyone who celebrates it.

Spring Cleaning Everything

I'm trying to keep myself busy. I've found it helps make the time go by and I like that. I'm spring cleaning my house one room at a time. I'm trying to get through the next couple of months fast and maybe I can be pregnant again. I don't think being pregnant again will "fix" anything but it does make me happy.

The last few days DH and I have talked a lot about our loss and what we'll do different next time. He's such a great guy. He's okay with talking about the actual loss and what happened - but when we talked about the baby, that's when he gets sad. I can understand that. I think being able to talk about it - any part of it - with him is huge, for both of us.

He, unlike me, is not one inkling looking forward to me being pregnant again. He wants a baby in the worst way but the pregnancy part freaks him out. He knows how nervous I'll be - that I'll be a nutcase. I told him I'm going to need a lot of support and he knows that too but I think he's just freaked out.

Today is CD5. Which means 5 more days until I start using OPKs. I'm curious to see how in the heck they work (if they work!) and I can only imagine predicting my cycles since they're so crazy now. It's kind of silly yet amusing. DH wants to try this month but I told him no way - I have to get the blood tests done first. I'm a control freak and everything has to be in order.

On the doctor front, I had yet another day yesterday filled with record drama. Finally, finally, finally there's a chance they sent the right report over. I'm going to call Nice Nurse tomorrow. If I can get this going next week, I'll be very, very happy. Here's to an upcoming month of blood tests, OPKs just for fun and spring cleaning to keep busy.

The Records of my Life

I don't know I get so irritated when I have to deal with the doctors and nurses. I think it's because they zero idea of what it's like to have to keep calling one place, argue with them, call the other place, argue with them...all while your life is on hold. It's frustrating.

So the saga continues. Now I'm waiting...again...for the chromosome report. I called Dr. M who called me back and said "I thought we discussed the results of that report". She told me to call Medical Records. So I did and I got the same old story - they'll put in a request and maybe someday it'll turn up. I call Nice Nurse again (who I'm now on a first name basis with) and gave her the update. I told her dh & I are planning to try again next month and I'd like to get the blood work Dr. K wants done before then. She said as soon as we get that chromosome report, we'll hurry everything up. Great. I told her...again...the results of the chromosome report were nothing, there are none. I'm kinda wondering if she believes me.

On a good note, the OPKs I ordered on the Internet came yesterday. Yey! A whole big bag of them. Since my cycles are so screwed up from my D&C, I'm planning to start testing early this month...CD10. Even though we're not trying, I am hoping to figure out how my ovaries are thinking. I really hope it'll help for next month, when we are trying. I just want to get pregnant easily again. If I only had a nickel for every time I thought that.

Today is my puppy's birthday! She's 1. It's funny, I never thought I'd be so excited for a dog's birthday. It's just a remind that I can do something good and even though she's a dog, she's still my baby!

Twelve Weeks

It has been 12 weeks since we lost our baby. 3 months. It seems like a really long time. Like it's this thing that never happened. Sometimes it's hard to believe I was pregnant - 5 months pregnant. Like it was a dream.

Then, on the other hand, it feels like it just happened yesterday.

The last two weeks have been rough for me. I know this journey is going to be ups and downs but it seems like more downs lately. I thought I was doing good. I guess I am, I have to expect the downs. They just happen. Kind of like what happened to me.

I want very badly to be pregnant again. I'm afraid...terrified actually. But there's something about the thought of being pregnant again that makes me happy. Like maybe I can go through it again, with a better outcome and enjoy it a little bit. As scary as it all seems, I'm excited too. It's a very, very strange feeling. I don't think anyone can understand it unless they are there too. It's weird.

I'm so frustrated with my doctors I could scream. I called Dr. M and left a message, begging her to help me get those results ASAP. I'm so tired of begging, of trying to get everything done now so I can move on. On top of everything else, it's just too much. I hate it.

My plan is to call again in the morning. AF showed up today so I have another 4 (or 5) weeks before we start the TTC cycle. I desperately want to get the tests done and results back before we start trying. And I've decided I'm 100% changing OBs after I get pregnant. It's pretty much a done deal.

On a side note, I've learned something from all of this. I've learned who my true friends really are. Some of the people I expected to be there for me weren't and some people who I had no idea would be so supportive have. It's surprising and amazing. Dh and I were talking today about who to tell next time - and we've agreed that the people who aren't supportive don't get to know. I only want my friends who will support me for both the good things in my life and the bad. God knows, I'm going to need all the good support I can get. And right now, I can't wait to get to that point.

Miserable

I am miserable tonight. All around, cranky to no end miserable. I can't kick the feeling so I'm trying to accept it and I'm hoping tomorrow I'll feel better.

My day was going okay. I left a message for Nice Nurse. She never called me back. So I called again this afternoon and finally got her. Turns out she was calling to find out if I knew anything about the results or if they even did a chromosome test. I tell her, again, there are no results. To anything. Nada, none. So she tells me she received another copy of my records today - I figure it's since I called so many times.

I told her I'd call Dr. M directly for those specific results. I also told her I'm getting frustrated and it's hard to move forward with the same question popping up. Seriously. I wonder if Dr. K is hoping to find it was a chromosome problem and voila! No more questions, no blood work, no prenatal testing. It sounds like the easy way out. But NO - I don't know if that caused our baby to die. I just don't know. Can't we start to move forward??

Then I got home. There's a package - I love getting packages! But....it's a big, heavy box from Enfamil. Baby stuff. I threw it away, I couldn't even look it. Why are all of these reminders showing up on days when I can't handle it?? I check my email...today's Friday, which means there's another "You're so-and-so weeks pregnant!" Yup, there it is, unread - 33 weeks. I unsubscribed two weeks ago from that newsletter but it can take 4 weeks for me to stop getting them. I have that to look forward to.

I'm just miserable. It's awful, it's just not fair. I know - life's not fair. But why me??

And the icing on the cake - still no AF. I'm frustrated. I feel like my doctors and even my body aren't helping me get on with TTC and heal with this loss. I'm feeling stuck again. And I hate it.

Figures

I guess the system does work! Nice nurse called me yesterday - my files arrived! It's a miracle. She told me Dr. K wasn't in until Friday (of course) but they were on her desk and she'd call me when Dr. K figured out what to do with me next.

Of course, she called this afternoon - I was gone and didn't check my messages since I figured they wouldn't call. But she did! So I'll call her back tomorrow, I'm actually looking forward to it. Maybe, just maybe, this can be the first step forward.

Now if my body would just cooperate. Today is CD32. Still nothing, no signs of AF. I just wish my body would hurry up and get back on some kind of pattern. Those OPKs might come in handy next month after all!

Check's in the Mail

Okay, okay, not the check but even better! My records have been shipped - WOO HOO. Exactly 15 days after my first phone call. What a turnaround. I'm going to call Nice Nurse this afternoon to let her know to expect them. So Dr. K should have them next week and then we'll get the ball rolling again. Blood tests and more results...then we'll go from there. I have an odd sense of....happy.

Wish me luck.

Where, oh Where, Can She Be?

It's CD31. Where oh where is AF? This is cycle #2 since my D&C. The first one took 7 weeks but I'm told that's normal after having a D&C and losing a baby. Okay. But should cycle #2 take this long too? Usually my cycles are 28-30 days. I know one day isn't a lot to be over but for me, it feels like eternity. I actually took an HPT yesterday - not sure why, since we're using "protection" (ugh - like I'm 16 again) but just in case dh has super sperm or something. I was sorry to tell him his sperm isn't super. Ha.

I guess I'll wait until the end of the week - I've never had a cycle longer than 31 days or so, ever, that I can remember. Although, I was on the Pill from age 17 until last July. Then I had three cycles off (using protection - the doctor told me to wait so I did. Apparently, it doesn't really matter at all whether you wait after going off the Pill or not). Those cycles were 28-30 days. Now this cycle...my mystery cycle!

Waiting, waiting, waiting. I hate waiting!

Oh well, I can look at it from the point of view that this is the last cycle waiting to start TTC. After this one, we're officially trying. I'm excited about it. I'm curious to see if the OPKs work and when I ovulate. Who knew this would fascinate me.

I'm having a pretty good emotional day so far. I've noticed when I stay home, I do. It's going out and dealing with people and babies that are tough for me. But today is good. I feel strong, not quite so if-you-poke-me-I'll-cry-ish today. For me that's a good thing.

This afternoon I will call to check on the records - hopefully they're on the mail journey to my doctor. Wouldn't that be nice!

Other People's Joy

The good news is that I made it through Should-Be-Baby-Shower-Sunday. That was a huge step forward for me. Granted, I was cranky and didn't really want to be bothered with anything else. And I thought a lot about the "should-be's". But I made it. Although, if it was a preview to the weeks before and after my due date, it's going to be a long April and May.

The bad news is that I have a heavy heart. Actually, I should word it differently. My heart is tired of hurting. I'm tired of being the one who lost a baby, the one who's trying to make good out of it. I shouldn't be in the position and for the life of me, I can't figure out why I am. I'm trying to accept there will be no answers but I'm having a really tough time with it.

Today I went to the mall. It's funny how some days it really bothers me and others I could care less. Today though I saw a mommy and a daddy with a newborn boy and of course, I burst into tears. I can't help it. I hate that it sneaks up on me. I hate that other people's joy makes me miserable. I'm tired of that feeling. I just want it to be my turn for that joy. Of course, the escalators in every store seem to be in near the baby department. Here I am in Target, going up the escalators in tears, looking at all the baby stuff - including the new display titled "Just One Year".

Sigh.

I called the hospital again today. What a circus. So here's the update: The lady who I faxed my consent to send my records form too finally got it to the Medical Records Department last Thursday. Woo hoo. Unfortunately, it takes 7 business days to get them ready to mail. The woman I talked with today asked me when my appointment was and that if it was soon she could put a rush on it.

I took a minute to compose myself and told her that my whole life was on hold until those records get sent. Time, for me, is standing still. My doctor won't make any further appointments until she gets those records. So yeah, putting a rush on it would be a good idea.

I think she got the point.

She told me to call again tomorrow to make sure they get mailed but they should be at Dr. K's office on by next Friday, 3/25. We shall see.

On a TTC note, I'm really excited for next month to get here so we can start trying. I'm trying to focus on the positive without getting too wrapped up in the TTC details. I'm going to try out the OPK this month just to see and I'm going to keep an eye on my CM too, since who really even notices that stuff? Not me. But now I will. Hopefully my ovulation calendar will cooperate and maybe, just maybe, there will be another baby someday for me.

Weekend Roller Coaster

It all started Friday. I found out a good friend of mine is TTC now too! I am SO EXCITED! It's her first but it's nice to have someone going through the same thing with me, in real life that is. This is only their 2nd month but it's really great. It gave me a new sense of hope and I actually feel excited again, to start trying and get into the whole process. And of course to get that BFP! I'm happy, feeling great, thinking that this a huge step for me and maybe I really am ready.

(Weird side note. I actually had a dream last week that her and I were pregnant together. I told her the next day and she just laughed. I had no idea they were trying!)

Then Friday night, DH rents Ladder 49. It's a GREAT movie. Although, halfway through, the wife of the main character gets pregnant. I'm thinking to myself "Ok, there is going to be a birthing scene. Brace yourself." Sure enough, later in the movie, the dad goes running into the hospital into the room with the laboring mom. I burst into tears and cried the whole time with my hands over my face. Finally I look at the TV again and there's the three of them - mom, dad and baby boy just looking at each other. More tears, more face covering. Finally I ask DH if it's over and he says yes. He was so sweet, he said "I know" and he holds my hand.

That was Friday.

So today I get up and go to work. I get home, get the mail and do the usual scan of the mail. Toss the baby catalogues and magazines without even looking. (It doesn't even bother me, I think I'm numb to it now). Then I go to the computer and start surfing the Net. By some either sign or very bad mistake, my baby registry pops up on my screen. I must have hit something, whatever it was - I've never done it before. So of course, there's the whole list of things I had wished for, things I had big plans for using. And the due date and, of course, it's a boy! It was so sad. I couldn't cry though, I just feel so very empty.

And then there's tomorrow. Tomorrow should be my baby shower. It was going to be 1pm to 4pm and there were going to be 50 guests. We were going to eat and play games and, of course, I would open presents. Then, we'd pack everything into the cars and bring it home and I'd put it all in the freshly painted baby's room and DH & I would spend hours going through it all. I'd be excited tonight, waiting to go to sleep and wake up tomorrow. Then get ready and wear some great maternity outfit I bought just for the shower. I'd be 32 weeks pregnant.

Instead, there will be nothing special tomorrow. I'll go to work and come home. Just like always. Just like before.

Today I tried to think of it the way I handle everything else. "Okay, Amanda, it's just not going to happen. What's happened is done and I have to accept it. It's a part of me and who I am and even though I miss our baby, we'll always remember him and what he's taught me".

I'm thinking that right now, that sucks.

I'm also trying to think positive. One day, hopefully, there will be another baby shower. A very special one for our different child. But it will never be the same. I'll never have that shower. Everyone will think of me and the baby I lost. It won't have that naive feeling, that feeling of everything being oh-so-perfect. There's always that fear, that little bit of doubt. I hate that.

But then again, there's the handing-it-my-way thoughts. Yes, someday there will be another shower. Someday I hope to have that happy feeling, that excited to finally be there again feeling. That nervous and anxious yet ecstatic feeling. And a feeling of hope. I'll get through tomorrow and good things will happen to me yet again. As hard as it is to find, there is always hope.

I'm hoping tomorrow isn't so sad and empty. Here's to hope.

My Rock, My Status and My Plan

You know how some days are a little more stressful than others? That was my day yesterday. Not baby-related actually, just in general stressed. Today is much better.

Dh and I had a great talk about the baby. Actually about both babies - the one we lost and the one we're still hoping for. He's very supportive of me but doesn't really talk about his own feelings. He says he's dealing in his own way, which he is. But we had a conversation about what happened and how we both felt then and now and how we both miss our baby. I told him I want to order bracelets for both our moms and my sister and he liked that idea. He still wants to plant the tree for the baby in May. (I was thinking rose bush but he really wants a tree so tree wins).

We also talked about the pregnancy we're planning. He's been ready for awhile now, since right after we lost the first baby. He tried to describe how he's feeling - that we planned for the first baby, got pregnant right away and he went into "baby mode", getting things ready to have and bring home a baby. He said he feels stuck right now. I finally, finally, finally felt like someone understood me - and I understand him. He also said he wants another baby soon, not to fill a void or take the place of the baby we lost, but because he really want us to have a baby. It's something we've been planning for since last April and he's just ready. He said he's ready for baby. And he said he'll be my rock, strong when I need him. He's very supportive and I'm very lucky.

He and I both have to be in the right mood to have these conversations. Him so that he'll share his feelings with me and me so that I don't burst into tears. I actually didn't cry while we were talking. He makes me feel safe and together we both have hope.

On the doctor front, today is check-on-my-status day. I called Nice Nurse and she told me they haven't gotten anything from Dr. M or the hospital yet. NOTHING. UGH! So I told her I'd call the hospital *again* and kick them in the butt to get things going. I also told her I'd call her next week, hopefully by then they'll have something. I guess they don't know the feeling of having your whole reproductive life on hold while they shuffle papers back and forth.

Then I call the hospital. I get the same polite woman who I talked with last time. She checks...yup, there's nothing in my folder and that's why she hasn't sent anything. What?! Finally I explain to her that I need those results in order to get going with everything else - the blood work and the plans to start trying again next month. "Oh, okay, I will email Dr. M and see if she has your information in her office". (sigh) I guess marching right over there is out of the question since now we must email. I tell her yes, I talked with Dr. M 6 weeks ago and she had my information then so it's probably still in her office. "Okay! I will check and let you know". Greeaaatttt. I told her I'd call her AGAIN on Tuesday. They're going to MAIL the information to my OB here so it should take no longer than 5 days, I hope.

WHEW! It's a little scary that these people bring babies into the world but they can't get files or information sent 30 miles away.

Onto good news. I have a plan! A pregnancy plan, that is. I've really been thinking about it and getting everyone's input. So here it is. I'm sticking with Dr. K for now. I'm going to undergo her plan of blood work and testing. We'll see where that goes. I'm also going to ask her if I need to see a high-risk OB. If she says yes, then great - I'll pick one affiliated with a different hospital. If she says no, okay - I'm going to stick with her until I get pregnant. Once I do, I'm going to demand more appointments and to be watched closely. If she doesn't step up to the plate, I'm going to change doctors on my own. I have an office in mind and it's affiliated with a different hospital, the one with the NICU. We'll see how it all goes.

One thing I've learned from all of this is not to wait. Don't wait to do things that really matter. Don't wait to tell someone something important. Don't wait to make that phone call. Don't wait to use the good china. Because really, in that sense, what are we waiting for?

Rainy Day Update

Yesterday I got a baby card in the mail. Except it wasn't meant for me. It was an honest mistake - there's another Amanda in my group of friends who had a baby girl last month and it was a card from her card shower. It was weird because on the front was a rattle - I'm thinking to myself "Boy, that looks like a rattle". Then I open it and it's definitely not for me but it says "Congratulations on your baby girl!". I actually didn't cry until later but thank God it was not a card for a baby boy.

I'm not feeling like myself these days. The last week or so I've been dreading Sunday - it should have been my baby shower. I've known about the date of it since the week I told my family I was pregnant. It's something I, and our families, have looked forward to since we got married. Now it's just another day that is empty. It's a sad, empty feeling. This week I should be looking forward to it and I should be seeing all of my families and friends together for something happy to celebrate. Instead, I'm dreading it.

I think that has been keeping me sad these days. I knew it was coming and it's been on my mind. I'm disappointed that I can't be happy now and that my baby isn't here. All things I'm trying to deal with but it's difficult and complicated.

Today is CD23 for me. This cycle it doesn't mean much but hopefully my cycles will be somewhat normal so we can start TTC in April as planned. I'm hoping my cycles are 28-30 days, which they were before. With everything my body's been through, who knows. Next week I should have cycle #2 so who knows. The OPKs are burning a whole in the bathroom cabinet! I'm definitely going to try them out next month, just to see if they work and if I'm ovulating.

Tomorrow I have to call Nice Nurse to check in and see if they've gotten copies of the test results and reports from the other hospital. It'll be a week tomorrow since I called. I think that's plenty of time to get them 30 miles to my OB's office. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that things will progress easily - maybe in the next two weeks I can get the blood tests done so we can get answers, if anything is wrong with me but again, I doubt there is.

Onto other non-baby related news in my life. I've decided to start putting some time and energy into training our dog. She's an almost-one-year-old yellow lab. She's a handful but I love her! We went through 8 weeks of training when she was 16 weeks old but it's time for more training again. I've gotten out the clicker to work with on clicker training (it's awesome!) so we'll see. I also want to get her into an agility class. I'm also trying to get things in my life organized...my desk, my office, our closets, ect. It keeps me busy and my mind off things.

Dum, dum, dum. Just trying to pass the time these days!

Tearjerking but Beautiful Poem

I'm cleaning my desk, something I haven't done in months. I came across this poem, which was given to me at the hospital. I couldn't read it then but I can read it now and it's beautiful. I thought I would share. I don't know who wrote it but if anyone knows, I'd be happy to add it.

"Oh Mother, my mother
I touch your tears
invisible fingers
soothing your skin
I know you think of me so often
in the day, in the night,
in your dreams
going into an empty nursery
knowing I'll never be there
but I am...in your heart
in your soul, I shall always be
for you gave so unselfishly
of yourself.
Inside of you, you created
such a world for me
a world of laughter, of love
of sadness, of sorrow
every emotion people come to know
you shared with me.
And even though I may never
feel your arms around me
I felt your heart beating,
like a lullaby, singing me to sleep
and your spirit giving me a safe haven
already protecting me
nurturing me
preparing me of things to come.
But sometimes the journey
of life pulls souls apart
and yes, I had to go on
to another place.
I wish I could stay
I wish this was a decision
I could make
and I know you do too.
Know this wherever you are:
I will always remember
that yours was the first love
the first joy, the first soul
I will ever know
you gave me the courage to
go on in my journey
I hope you can do the same
for you
Your heart beat will always
call me to you.
Love, your child"

My Quest for Answers

I finished the book "Trying Again". I read the whole thing, even some parts twice and I found it to be a great book on a tough topic. A lot of it was very reassuring. But then a few things weren't. Such as:

"While a woman who has never delivered a baby prematurely faces just a 5 percent risk of going into labor before term, a woman who has given birth to a premature baby in the past has a 15 percent chance of doing it again."

After everything happened, I really wasn't given any answers to "classify" my loss. I knew I had a placenta tear early in the pregnancy and I was told that was the reason for the spotting and bleeding throughout. But that night we lost the baby (still can't say the d word!) I was bleeding again and went to the ER - an hour later I was contracting every two minutes. Several days later, I was reading about preterm labor and found the warning signs. I think now I had signs that both me and my doctor ignored - they are very common signs of just being pregnant, so I didn't think anything of it. Neither did my doctor. We really didn't have any reason to believe anything was wrong.

I also don't know if I had a placenta abruption. At first, I thought so because of the tear - if it had a tear, I thought it might be more likely to be an abruption. It's something I'm going to ask about at my next appointment, for my peace of mind.

And there was the PROM. Premature rupture of membranes. Meaning my water broke. I was told that the bleeding could have caused the PROM or it could have been something else that caused it. Either way, it happened to me and in my opinion, that "classifies" me as having preterm labor.

So what does all this mean? I have no idea.

I guess I can say I've learned about all of these things so now I know. For next time. If I have an inkling that something's wrong - especially with the preterm labor signs - I'm not waiting for answers. I definitely have learned something, but it sucks I learned the hard way.

I've actually learned a lot of somethings. But I think I still have a lot to learn. I'm becoming obsessed with losing the baby and wanting to heal yet remember and also to have another. It's hard to find a balance with all of those. And it's hard not to become obsessed. After all, it's a life changing event - having a baby. But it's even more life changing when you think you're having a baby and you don't. It's also made the "next" time harder - I so wish I could be as naive this time and I was with my first pregnancy. I wish I could worry about strollers, baby names and picking out matching outfits. Now I'll worry if my baby is alive or not.

And I also worry about myself. I'm a pretty high-strung person normally but since this has happened, I feel different. Sure, I'm still high strung. But I'm not the happy go lucky person I was. I hate having this sad feeling, like a weight on my shoulders all of the time. And I hate that my feelings are a roller coaster ride. The highs are very high and the lows are very low. I hate it. I want to get off this ride, go back to my old self and most of all, be pregnant again.

Stuck Here, Still Waiting

I caved last night and bought an OPK. Yup, not like I can use it for another 6 weeks or so but I have it on hand. Which really doesn't do much for me other than make me want the days to go by faster so I can test it out. And hopefully become pregnant again.

I kinda figured they'd be similar in use and looks to home pregnancy tests, which they are. It's kind of ironic that they look like the same freaking thing.

So I'm still stuck in this waiting period. Literally. It sucks. I have to say that I'm happy to finally have an idea of when we can trying again but until Day 1 of that cycle, I can't help but feel stuck here. There's no going back but there's no moving forward yet either. And to top it off, I'm still waiting on the doctor's office again. I hate waiting.

Tuesday I'm calling Nice Nurse to see if she's gotten copies of my test results and the pathology report yet. If not, I'm calling the other hospital to get a move on it. It's stupid that my whole overall mental health rests on those results and getting the plan going to move forward. I need some kind of progress. At least when I have an appointment for the blood tests it'll feel like I've started the process. Then I can start bugging them for those results.

Ah, one step at a time. For now, I'm stuck here...still waiting.

Babies Everywhere, None for Me

I had a rough start to yesterday. I got an email from a good friend of mine. It was a group email letting everyone know she had her baby. Everything went well but labor was really hard and she now has headaches. Again, I'm happy for her - but I could care less about the headache part. Seriously - her baby is here, early, none the less and she's bitching about headaches. Unbelieveable.

So the day went on, blah as usual. I went to the gym. Actually, it kicked my ass again but I went. Then I got home in the afternoon to another group email. From another friend who has a 4 month old boy telling everyone how great his life is.

SIGH.

I feel like I'm being tortured. Like not only am I dealing with the loss of my son (wow, I usually just say losing a baby) but I have to deal with everyone's happiness. It's hard for me. I'm happy for them but very sad for me. And it seems like every day. There's some new baby or cute baby thing I have to hear about or baby shower...ugh. Baby shower. Mine would be in 8 days. Here we go again with the counting.

I'm really trying to move forward. Some moments I feel great - like yeah, I can do this! I can move on and not hurt so much. And then the hurt comes back, worse than before. It's a roller coaster ride. One I never asked to be on. I hate it.

How do I make this sad thing that happened part of me and still be able to move on? I'm tired of being sad and cranky. I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of being stuck here and I'm not allowed to move on yet. I'm still waiting for that 2nd cycle before we start trying again. I wouldn't want to try this month anyway but still...here I am, just stuck here and it sucks.

I can't even express how utterly terrified it makes me feel when I think about being pregnant again. It's so overwhelming and so scary. But I want it SO bad. I bought the book "Trying Again". I almost read it cover to cover without stopping - it's a GREAT book. One thing they say is you know you're ready when the want outweighs the fear. I'm almost there.

I'm thinking about buying a ovulation predictor kit. I'm hoping it would give me a little extra luck in trying to concieve in April. I'm just afraid I'm going to worry myself sick over this whole TTC thing. I'm still debating but I'm planning on checking them out in the store. Anyone know if they're hard to use? It sounds silly but I'm even thinking of trying it out this month. We're not trying but I'm curious to see how it works. I know they're not cheap, but if $30 will give me a peace of mind next month when I'm trying it for real, it'll be worth every penny.

Like a Butterfly

I've found something interesting in the butterfly. Right after we lost the baby, I had this sudden attachment to butterflies. I'm not even sure why. Sure, I liked them before but they have a new significance now. I think it's because there's a double meaning. One - butterflies, to me, are magical. They're beautiful, quiet creatures that show up around us unannounced. Second - there's something amazing about them because they start out as ugly, hairy little caterpillar. Then, they cocoon into colorful butterflies.

It's almost like they're a "sign" of our angel baby. Right after we got back from the hospital, I decided to buy a journal. I went to pick one out at the store and there was one with a beautiful saying on it (which I'll save for another post) about a butterfly. Then I got several cards and even a flower arrangement with butterflies in them. So, they're a reminder of our baby - that he's all around us, all the time, especially in my heart.

Then, there's the meaning they have for me. I feel like right after everything happened, I was a very, very broken person. I felt like my heart was literally breaking. In fact, my dh and I would say to each other "my heart hurts". It's a terrible feeling. And the roller coaster we've been on ever since really is a journey - I would say it's changing, not necessarily better all the time, but the emotions are just different now.

So when I think about it - my feelings are kind of like that of a butterfly. The caterpillar cocoons, then emerges into the butterfly. I like to think that is what's happening to me. I started out this journey - broken and hurting - and over time, I hope to emerge something better, something stronger than before. Like a butterfly.

Here's one of my favorite butterfly poems: (sorry, not sure who wrote it)
"A butterfly lights beside us like a sunbeam.
And for a brief moment its glory and beauty
belong to our world.
But then it flies on again,
and though we wish it could have stayed,
we feel so lucky to have seen it".

We'll See

I noticed that I say that a lot - we'll see. I think it's my answer when I don't have anything else to say. Although, I kind of like that. It's instead of saying "I have no freaking clue what will happen" I can say it much nicer by saying we'll see.

It's been a long day. Today I thought a lot about my upcoming due date in May. Since we'll be traveling home that day, I figured it's going to give me some time to think about everything. Then I realized that my anxiety will probably be worse the week(s) before and right after. And Mother's Day is also something I'm thinking about. And dreading. Turns out my own mom will be out of town that weekend but we'll do the really nice brunch thing with my in-laws. I love it and the brunch is wonderful. But we had made plans for ME being a mom this year. I had even joked about wanting to have the baby in time to be out of the hospital so we could go to brunch too. It's sad to think about going again this year...without a baby. I'm afraid nobody will remember my due date or that I'm still kind of a mom on Mother's Day.

I guess we'll have to wait...and see.

On a non reproductive note, I've started going back to the gym. And it's kicking my ass! I'm doing 45 minutes of cardio each day, Mon-Thurs. Whew! My body is tired. But I have to say it does feel good! It's boring as hell on the machines for that long some days but it is good for me. I think it's good for my inner self too.

Mixed Bag

And today I'm feeling just like the weather - a mixed bag. It started out sunny and then got cloudy and windy as hell. And cold. Today that's me!

This morning I called Dr. M's office about my records. I was told to call "the clinic", whatever that is, so I did. A nice woman told me that I never signed the constant form - therefore, my records at this rate would never be sent to Dr. K's office. How was I supposed to know that?! So she faxes it over to me, which is amazing that it worked - first try even! - and I faxed it back. I'm giving them until Tuesday to get the records to my doctor. Then not-so-nice Amanda is calling back!

So yet again, I'm on hold.

I did have a revelation today. Since we lost the baby, I wanted to wait until after May to start trying again. Something about being pregnant before my due date wasn't okay with me. Today I started playing with the ovulation calculators online and figured out that my third cycle, which is in mid-April, will put my most fertile days as the last week in April. DH and I are going away the first week in May. Figures. At any rate, my revelation was that I want to start trying that cycle. I don't want to wait until the end of May. After I decided on this, I was happy and my whole mood changed. I actually had the thought that in another 8 weeks or so, I could be pregnant! Yippee!!!

Then the clouds rolled in. A friend of mine who is due this week had her baby. Last week, actually. I'm so happy for my friends who are pregnant - really I am - but she was the first to give birth since I lost mine. Then we got this cute letter in the mail from another friend telling me about her babies. Two - twins. Again, something about it just made me sad. It's a weird feeling - to be happy and sad all at once. Then the sad took over.

After a minor meltdown and some tears, I think I'm okay again. I get that hopeful feeling when I think of trying again in April. I'm trying to give up some of my control-freak ways to just let things happen - so I'm most likely not having a baby in the Spring, like I had wanted. I'll most likely have a still winter baby. Hopefully he or she will come during Jan or Feb - and that's a busy month work-wise for me. I can't control or plan everything. Sometimes, I think I have to just let go. This is one of those times.

Yet again, we will see.

Got the Ball Rolling

As if on cue, a couple of hours after my message, I heard back from the nurse at Dr. K's office. And it turns out it's a good thing I called.

They haven't gotten the written results from Dr. M's office.

What?! I talked with Dr. M on January 27th and that's when she told me there were "no results". She said they'd send the results to Dr. K but that I should call just to let her know what they were. I really didn't feel like calling so I figured they'd get the results in a week or so anyway and that point, my first cycle hadn't returned so I really wasn't in a big rush.

I told the nice nurse I'd call Dr. M's office to ask them to send the results ASAP. Nice nurse told me it could take two weeks or so for them to get the results. Geez, it's a whole 30 miles away, can we get a rush on it?

But I did ask what to do next. She said Dr. K's notes said that if everything was normal, there were some blood tests she wanted to do. I told her the results weren't "normal" - there were NONE. To me, that's not normal.

Anyway, the basic blood work will be done on me - checking for blood clotting problems, thyroid problems and something called thrombosis. So we shall see.

I'm calling Dr. M's office to leave a message. And I'm giving them one week to get the results to Dr. K. People, my clock is ticking and I'm keeping score.

On a good note, I actually feel happy that I talked to the nice nurse. It makes me feel like a person again and it really does give me hope. I feel like I'm making progress and moving forward. At least for this one moment I do.

I did it! I called!!

Of course, the first time today I called the whole doctor's office is closed for lunch. Figures. But I did gather up the courage to call again! Yey me. Of course, I elected to talk with the nurse line - a very friendly recorded message, which usually takes an average of 2 hours for the nurse to call you back. That's fine. I've waited this long, I can wait a few more hours.

So we'll see where to go from here.

On a note of my inner workings, I think I did or will soon ovulate. Of course, this month that doesn't mean anything since we're not trying yet. In fact, I think Dr. K's exact words were "Under no circumstance are you to become pregnant in the next 8 weeks". So yeah. Just in case I might spontaneously become pregnant. Right.

Anyway, I'm trying to figure out my "cycles". I am not charting my temps. I'm way too obsessive for that - I'm had thought it about (as I had with baby #1) and decided I could become too addicted. Here's hoping that the my ovaries and I are on the same track again as before. We'll see.