A Rough Week

It seems like it's been forever since my last entry but it's only been 5 days! I've missed it and even though I haven't been posting, I've been thinking about my online friends and hoping all is well with everyone.

It has been a very long week. There's been a lot of other stuff going on - not related to TTC - that have been keeping me busy and stressed out. Also, on Tuesday, everything hit me with my due date next week. Obviously I've been anxious about it this whole time, but for some reason Tuesday was the day it hit me like a ton of bricks. Everything makes me cry and I have that "hurting heart" feeling. Dh and I talked about it...of course, he's thinking about it too and he knows I'm having a hard time. But he doesn't know what to do to help me feel better and honestly, neither do I.

One of the things I'm deal with is the feeling that I'm going backwards. The due date has brought me back to the way I felt not too long after the baby died. It's so hard because I feel like I was doing so good - and wham - I'm back there. I should have expected it and from what I've found with talking my friends, it's normal. But right now I feel anything but.

Dh and I are leaving Monday for vacation. We booked it right after we lost the baby - I had wanted to go right then but I thought it would be good for us to do something happy and fun during due date week ...not to have to sit around the house and be sad. A few days ago I thought "What was I thinking? I should have stayed home" but today, I'm thinking it's a good idea. It's going to be hard not to be sad but a change of scenery - and some time with dh - should help a lot.

It's cd5 and there's nothing more that I want right now than to conceive this cycle. I'm trying not to get my hopes up too high but I'm doing everything I can to TTC at the right time. I have no idea what I'm doing in the charting department but a friend of mine says my chart is odd - if anyone has any advice on it, I'll take it. I'm hoping that once AF leaves, my temps even out a little bit.

On Tuesday, I got sick of waiting for the GC to call. It's been over two weeks since my diagnosis! I think that's long enough to wait. So I got the around on the phone and then that nasty phrase I hate - "We never got your records". All I could do was cry and call Nice Nurse. I left her a not-so-nice message (I'm starting to lose my cool!) and she called me back promptly 8 minutes later. She did sent my records - I called the Genetic Counseling Department (silly me) but really, I needed to talk to someone in OBGYN. She called them for and they're booking appointments for end of May/early June. Oh, and they call a week before your appointment to let you know when it is. What?! How in the heck am I supposed to know when a week before the appointment is if I don't HAVE any appointment?? I dunno. I have the number all ready to call my NEW obgyn the day we get back from vacation.

The next week is going to be very hard - I know it but there's nothing I can really do to help ease the pain. It's not fair and I feel, yet again, there's nothing to do but wait it out and let it pass. I'm really, really hoping that I'll feel a sense of closure - not forgetting, never that - just a sense of that looming date finally going by and hopefully that will bring some peace.

I'm hoping for that.

My New Addictions on Glorious CD1

It's CD1!! Woo hoo! And, ladies and gentlemen, this is officially it - I am IN for trying to make a baby this month.

My new addictions on this happy day are Fertility Friend and green tea. My friend who is TTC using acupuncture and herbs has got me thinking about things I can do that are good for me and my body. Green tea is my first step in that direction. Between TTC and my mutation, I've decided to add more good stuff to my diet - whole grains, less sugar and more herbal tea. I'm now on my third brand of green tea bags and my second kind by the pitcher and I love Tazo, it's my favorite. It's funny how it can make me feel good, like I'm doing something good for myself.

And to Fertility Friend. I love it! It was so exciting to add that new chart for this cycle - and it counts! When my temp was lower today I thought WOW. Then when AF showed up today, right on cue, it showed me that this really works. It's amazing. And addicting, but amazing.

Dh is anxious to start bding, mostly because he's ready to start trying again. I told him another 22 days or so until I ovulate again - he's excited about it too. We're both nervous but I'm so glad we're at the same place, ready to try again.

I'm so happy to be here...finally.

On Being Officially In

I have told 3 people IRL that we're TTC again. They've all been VERY supportive and I like that. I'm going to limit the number of people that know, just because I don't want everyone asking. Plus, most people don't understand the way cycles work and they think you can conceive the next day.

I'm feeling excited about it but of course, it can freak me out. It usually only hits me when I think, "Wow, next month at this time, I could be pregnant". It's scary. But exciting. Mostly exciting right now. I'm thankful that today is one of the last few days of this cycle and that the one that starts the counting is only days away.

Today is CD34. Last cycle was 34 days. I was wondering if maybe I - and the OPKs - we were wrong and AF would show up today. But she didn't and that actually makes me happy because it means I am learning something about my fertility! If she shows up Sunday, that'll be exact and I'll even take Saturday as close enough. It's actually pretty cool...being able to know what's going on and when to expect this stuff.

I have a friend IRL who's having problems getting pregnant and she's doing some amazing, natural treatments and it's working! She's an inspiration to me. She the only person in real life who I talk to about the TTC stuff and it's a great feeling to have her, like WHEW...I'm not alone in the journey afterall!

My tough weeks are right around the corner...today I would be 38 weeks pregnant. I got another big box of formula today - how many do they send? - and another baby shower card for another friend. It's funny how sometimes these bother me and sometimes they don't. Just depends on my mood.

I'm trying to focus on my new TTC journey. And FF. Which I love, I wish I had started charting sooner! Trying to make TTC this time - and hopefully the second pregnancy - different from the first was the BEST IDEA ever. It's really helping me focus on right now. That's the one thing I would tell anyone TTC after loss.

Only 10 more days until vacation!

Full Circle

Today, my doctor gave me the "go ahead" to start trying to conceive.

I am ecstatic. Finally! Nice Nurse called me back and said Dr. K told her there's no reason for us to wait. We can meet with the GC while we're trying and she gave us the green light. Of course, after I got of the phone with Nice Nurse, I cried. I am so happy! I'm off this roller coaster of waiting for answers (for now) to move onto another one. I know the journey ahead is not easier - just different - and I'm so glad to finally be here.

I asked dh if he was ready and his first question was "When are you ovulating". Then he said, "Are YOU ready?" I told him I am. I feel in my heart that I am as ready as I'll ever be. When we tried the first time, I remember thinking, "Okay, if I'm ever going to be ready, this is it. Let's try." Comparing the two, I have to say that I feel 100% ready compared to last time. Which is strange to me since I also have that fear. I'm scared but right now, I'm more happy.

It feels like I have come full circle in a sense. That I made it through the last 4 months and finally, I'm at the beginning again. For once (one second anyway) I can see past what "should be" and I can see what really is. That I'm here, where things are and that it's come full circle.

Today is CD32. I think I will have a 36 day cycle, if I've learned anything about my body. I'm also thankful it's toward the end of my cycle - only a few more weeks until Miss Egg is on her way.

Please, oh please, let this happen for me. And very soon.

Taking Charge of My Fertility

I finally got the book "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" yesterday. It's AWESOME! Wow, I had no idea how much TTC information I really didn't know. The book really made me feel empowered. Like now, I have a better idea of how my fertility works and how I can learn from the signs my body gives me. I'm actually excited for my next cycle to start so I can keep up with the signs from day to day. It's amazing.

I'm also 100% addicted to charting. I could spend hours looking at other people's chart, trying to figure them out and to see how it all works. I'm fascinated. I'm also trying not to become obsessed.

Finding a BBT thermometer has been quite a challenge though. I did buy a 2nd BBT thermometor at Target on Sunday. So of course, I tried it out and compared it to the first. They're totally different...like 0.4 degrees off. So I round up my two regular thermometers and take them all one after another. And they're ALL different, one is even a degree off! Eeks! Finally, I decided that I'm going to stick with the first BBT one. It beeps every two seconds but my dh is getting used to it - at least it has a light and a memory - which the second BBT one didn't have. But what is the deal with them being off? Then I figured that only *I* would actually compare them all.

On a good note, I'm finding that my sensitivity to the baby mailings is going away. Which is a good thing. Today I got the HUGE box of baby formula from Similac. (Why I am still on this mailing list I don't know - I emailed them to get off it 4 months ago). I feel sad but I didn't cry like normal so that's a good thing. Big pregnant women right now still make me sad - that's one of the things that bother me the most. I can't help but think that right now, right this week, that should be ME. But it's not. Dh has a hard time understand this - he thinks I'm being over-sensitive, which makes me upset. I've learned not to tell him, I just keep it to myself. It's better that way.

Reading that book also has me thinking of way to take care of myself and to get in the best mindset possible to start TTC. I'm trying to eat better - more salad and colored veggies, less fat and fried stuff. I'm also trying to get info about teas that can be helpful, just to keep me hydrated and to get the antioxidants and the good stuff tea has to offer. If anyone has any other ideas, I'd love to hear them!

Here's hoping I get the call from the GC tomorrow.

MTHFR

Finally at 4:30pm on Friday, Nice Nurse called back. She said she was sorry, she didn't get a chance to ask Dr. K about my question - do dh and I have to wait to TTC or can we start now - but she'd ask her on Monday and call me back. Okay, fine, I'm disappointed but I can live it. She did say that she thinks Dr. K will tell me to wait to see the GC so that we can see what he/she has to say before we start trying.

Since I had her on the phone, I asked more about my gene mutation. Turns out what I had thought was right - I am a carrier of the MTHFR gene mutation. I'm trying to get information online but I really want to get answers from the genetic counselor. Nice Nurse told me the GC should call next week and to call her back if I hadn't heard by Friday. FRIDAY!

I'm feeling nervous again but it's due to my lack of answers. What does this mean for me? How will it be treated?? I'm frustrated and afraid. And I'm tired of waiting.

On a different TTC note, I have started charting. I'm on CD28, 6DPO. I have a whopping 2 temps in my chart, although keeping notes of my fertility signs has paid off since I got to put those in my chart for reference. I think it's pretty amazing - I'm actually looking forward to getting more days in my charts so I can see it all work.

The flip side is I'm driving dh crazy. First, I bought a BBT that beeps every two seconds during temp taking, which at 6am is very annoying. I think I'm going to buy a new one this week, one without beeping. Second, dh can't understand why I'm doing all of this. He thinks this kind of thing (and the OPKs) are for people with fertility issues - those who can't get pregnant. He keeps pointing out that we can conceive and we did on the first month trying. He thinks I've gone off the deep end with this and that I'm obsessed.

I was trying to explain to him that yes, we should have no problem conceiving quickly again. But now that my cycles are a little longer than before. And honestly, I didn't know much of this before, and it it was luck that we got pregnant so quickly. I'm also trying to make him understand that I'm doing all of this to understand my body and my cycles and to "take charge" so to speak of this. He doesn't understand it at all.

It made me think about WHY I am doing all of this and I think I came up with an answer. Because I want to do everything I can to get pregnant FAST. When we get the green light, I'm hoping we can concieve again quickly. So if this can give me a better idea of how it works and how my body is working, I"ll do it. I don't want to be disappointed by a BFN if I can do these things to help me out. I think I've been through enough heartache and I'll do whatever it takes to help me get a BFP as soon as I can.

Someday Nursery

I'm having a good emotional day but, of course, there's always something to ponder. That said, it all started with carpet. See, we had a water leak a few months ago and we're replacing our carpet in our office. When this happened, I wasn't pregnant yet. We scheduled the install for after the New Year. After I lost the baby, we put it off and put it off. And well, today was carpet-install-in-the-office day.

Which brings me to a bad case of the "should-be's". Had I stayed pregnant, the carpet would have gone in during January and it would have stayed empty until the furniture (which I was in the process of picking out) arrived. I had it all figured out. Or so I thought. Boy, was I wrong.

So last night we emptied out the office. The room was empty and I was in there, just thinking about what should-be. And hopefully what will be. I like to think that it's our someday nursery. It's an office for now, but ideally, I hope for it to be our baby's room someday.

Since I'm having a good day today, and because I'm cried out about it not being a nursery like it should be now, I'm thinking forward. I've been thinking about what I'd like it to look like next time. I hate that, "next time". I have a whole different idea in mind but I'm not counting my eggs before they hatch. (Or should I say before they meet Mr. Sperm) At any rate, I've been thinking about my next pregnancy and the next baby and..the next nursery. And I'm trying to make them very, very different from last time.

It brings me to think something that I hate thinking - that it shouldn't be. That room was mentally set up in my head for a different baby. It was for a baby that is gone now. The clothes that are packed up, the gifts I got, the toys...it was all for a different baby. And yes, I do hope that there is a second baby but I can't help but think there should be a different baby who should be living in there.

I'm really struggling with this. Every time we talk about next time, or when we hopefully do have another baby, it's hard for me to think about our second baby without thinking of our first. My second pregnancy from the first. I think I need to realize that I'm starting over, not picking up where I left off. It's hard. It's a weird feeling. Of course, being pregnant and staying pregnant for a wonderful, long, stressful at-least-37-weeks is what I want more than anything. But this is another issue for me to work through.

It's Thursday and I haven't heard anything from Nice Nurse or the GC. I'm getting impatient. I will call tomorrow, to find out if we're on hold or not and maybe get the status on this GC thing. In the meantime, it's off to move the office back into the someday nursery, for my different child.

A Lesson Learned

I've met a lot of women who have had miscarriages and stillbirths online since I lost the baby in December. I've found a wonderful support system through them. I've also learned a lot about infertility and all of the things that women who can't get pregnant go through to try. Clomid, IUI, in vitro...it's amazing what modern medicine has done in the baby making department. I have such a high respect for these women. Until recently, my exposure to the ups and downs of trying to become pregnant and infertility were limited to my close friends and Charlotte from Sex and the City. Getting pregnant was something that you tried to do and eventually it would happen. At least with my group of IRL friends. None of them are infertile. I do have a few friends that lost babies - during the first trimester and even one that lost a baby at 16 weeks. But until I lost mine, I had no idea how often and how common this really is.

And infertility. After my roller coaster ride since December 26th and the hoopla with my doctors...I really think highly of women dealing with infertility. All of the doctor's appointments, the treatments, the drugs...and worst of all, the waiting. And the hoping. My heart goes out to anyone who is trying to have a baby but can't. I can't say that I know that feeling but I can imagine it - just from the patience I've had to have over the last few months. And some women go through this for YEARS. If I could wish anything, it would be for women dealing with infertility to have a child.

I also have to say that pregnancy loss is really something I had never imagined until it happened to me. I had no idea how it could change someone's life. More than one someone's - the father, the grandparents, the aunts, ect. It's really something. I really wish I knew before. So many people, after we told them about us, would say, "Oh, I lost a baby once too.". I had a few friends tell me, which I hadn't known before. Even my great-aunt told me she lost a baby once, a long, long time ago. And now I know two people who have had stillborns. Before, I would have said zero if someone had asked me. It's just not something that people talk about.

Why is that? Why is this so hush-hush?? When people ask me if I have any children, I still say not yet. It happened yesterday at the hair salon. I feel guilty, almost like I'm denying the baby I lost. He was still my child, still my son. But for fear of being uncomfortable, or having a meltdown!, I say none. The hopes, the wishes I had for him...those were all real feelings. They were first-time parent, very naive feelings that I will never get back.

I've already decided that when/if I'm pregnant again, when people ask me if it's my first, I hope to tell them, "No. It's my second but I lost the first". It seems so sad, but I hope I can tell people that. Now when I see a pregnant women, I get the jealous feeling first and then I wonder how easily she became pregnant. Was it planned? Has she lost a baby? Does she even know that's an option? It's so weird, but it's something that runs through my mind.

As for me and my baby making journey, it's stopped. Kind of like a speeding up to the red light and jam on the brakes stop. I'm 3 DPO and it doesn't mean much. Except that I hope to get AF in 11 days. If so, then being able to track my cycles worked and that might be a miracle in itself!

Speaking of miracle, I really wish good things for those who are trying to get pregnant. I wish lots of babies to lots of mommies who really want them. Including all of my Blogger friends and my SG friends. And, me included, too.

Me and My Mutation

I couldn't post yesterday. It was too hard. It was hard to think and hard to make sense of all this crap going on with me. It just feels like one thing after another. Like I just get past one issue and there's something else there, waiting for me to deal with it. I hate that.

Believe it or not, I am feeling less freaked out about my mutation. I've found some wonderful girls online who also have it and I don't feel so alone, which is nice. One even has a one year old! I'm glad there's hope for a successful pregnancy. Unfortunately, I don't know anything else about my particular mutation. I was going to call Nice Nurse today but honestly, I don't have the energy. Of course, I want to know very bad - but I also got the feeling she didn't know much about it or wanted to wait for the genetic counselor to give me the whole scoop. I'm going to wait until Wed or Thurs and if I still don't hear anything, I'll call her back.

My parents are worried about me. They, like me, don't understand it totally but googled what I do know. I'm hoping that I can be treated with baby aspirin, more folic acid and/or shots if needed so that I can be come pregnant again. I really want to know how much longer I have to wait. Of course, I'd wait a very long time if I could be assured I'd have a healthy pregnancy with a baby in the end. But there's since there's no guarantee, this is the closest thing I have to taking a little extra care with a future pregnancy. So I'll take it. In the meantime, waiting sucks.

I made the big mistake of going into Hallmark. Of course, I had to read all of Mother's Day cards - and wonder which ones I would get. And I picked out the ones I would by. It's a little weird, I know but I didn't cry so that's a good sign. I couldn't buy any though, not yet, so I'll have to go back again another day.

On a good note, yesterday I ovulated. I had a very bad pain in my left side all morning. I also had what I think is EWCM. The EWCM didn't last very long though but I managed to have to pee while it was going on so I saw it. Yipee. What a sign - me staring at the TP, feeling happy. I have to laugh!

I wish I could skip over April and go right to May. Then I'd have my mutation answers, hopefully be treated for it and I could start TTC. Right now, that's all I want.

Isn't it Ironic?

I only used one OPK today and wouldn't ya know - it was positive. There it was, my glorious second line - not only there, but actually darker than the control line. Ovulation, here I come. And I can't do a damn thing with it right now. Isn't it ironic?

I also think it's ironic that it was positive today since I'm having such a rough weekend. Since the news on Friday of my mutation, I've been miserable. I'm upset, I feel disappointed and I shouldn't even be in this position to boot. My dh is so patient with me and some of my wonderful online friends have helped by telling me about their mutations. It does help and I'm actually glad to hear I'm not the only person to have this.

I've been feeling alone more these days - I don't feel like anyone knows how I'm feeling. Even dh. As wonderful as is and as supportive, he's still a guy and therefore can't understand my feelings. I know that and so does he. I kind of feel like everyone around me has moved on but I haven't, I'm still grieving. I don't really care since it's me and my feeling and I'm taking my time but it is frustrating to think that I'm on this crappy roller coaster totally alone.

As much as I don't want to be self-diagnosing, I have Googled my "mutation" and I still can't make any sense of it. Will I see an RE? Will I be put on baby aspirin and heparin shots? Can I have a baby? Will this cause me to be more likely to miscarry again? I have so many questions. I really hope I get an appointment with the genetic counselor soon because honestly, I'm going to make myself crazy.

I also have to call Nice Nurse on Monday to find out the biggest question of all - when can we start TTC? Originally Dr. K told me two cycles but that was before my mutation diagnosis. I think that's the kicker - that after all the waiting...waiting for my cycle to return, then waiting for the second cycle, waiting to ovulate...waiting, waiting, waiting. I'm so close but now it seems so far away.

It's all so very ironic. I'm tired of waiting, I'm frustrated and I'm tired of the questions. Ugh.

Not So Good News

Nice Nurse called back with the test results this afternoon. The results are, well, not so good.

In her exact words, "everything came back normal except one thing". She then tells me that one test shows I have a mutation in regard to vascular disease. She said it takes more than one mutation to have a "problem" and that this mutation did not cause me to lose the baby. That it didn't have an affect on the pregnancy. But I am a "carrier" of this mutation. And I could pass it onto my baby, should I get to have one.

Then she tells me that my doctor wants me to meet with a genetic counselor. She wants my dh to get tested to see if he is a carrier. She said the genetic counselor will explain everything to us and that he will be able to helps us figure out what we need to do. She's overnighting my records from my pregnancy - from day one - to the genetic counselor so he should have them Monday. This genetic counselor is affiliated with a very good hospital...that is 100 miles away. I told her I don't care where I have to go for the best treatment, that I'd drive up there if I have to. She said they'll send me to a satellite office which is in the next town over.

Oddly, it's the same office I had picked to change OBs after we got these test results back.

I am shocked and upset. I didn't really ask questions because I didn't know what to ask. I really thought the tests would all come back normal. Really. But now, I'm afraid.

I've gone online and researched all I can. From what I can find, there are 3 tests of 10 tests it could be - they're all in a category called "Inhertied Thrombophilias". One of them is the MFTHR gene mutation, the other is Factor V Leiden and the third is Prothrombin. I guess they are treated with baby aspirin and/or heparin and for MTHFR, more folic acid. But from what I can find, these are all considered fertility problems.

I can't stop crying. Dh is very supportive but he's nervous too. I think my fear is coming from not knowing. I wish I had asked more questions. I want to meet with the genetic counselor so he can tell me about what mutation I have. I feel like a failure all over again - it's nothing I can fix but my body isn't cooperating with motherhood for me at all. Before, all I wanted was to have two children but now I'm terrified I can't even have one. It's a terrible, scary feeling.

I just want it to be okay.

I'm an OPK Addict

I'm stuck here. Literally this time! I'm not ovulating in the next two days. So that screws up everything. I'm getting a second line on the OPK but it's much lighter than the control line so that means no ovulating for me. Damn eggs.

What is it about POAS that is so fascinating??

I'm totally obsessed with this. Yesterday, which I hate to admit, I took 3 OPKs. I have no idea why. I'm not doing it right to start with - the instructions say the same time everyday - but I'm not doing that. I'm trying to limit my fluid but 2-3 hours before is a long time not to drink or pee. So I guess it's no wonder I haven't gotten a positive one yet.

Thank Goodness I ordered them off the internet and they were somewhat cheap. I'm like a drug addict, I just can't enough of these things.

I have to say that I've learned how to and how not to use them. Next month, I will not start testing so early! I will also test at the same time everyday and I will only test once a day. (Okay, maybe twice when ovulation is closer but no more three times a day for me!) And I've learned I have to not drink or pee hours before. Of course, I'll implement all of these next month. For now, POAS is an obsession for me.

Today I called Nice Nurse and left a message. It's been 10 days since my blood was taken and I think that's a reasonable amount of time. I called three hours ago and she hasn't called back so I'm thinking that means they don't have anything to tell me yet. Maybe she'll call back later today.

Until then, POAS it is for me.

Do I Break Down and Buy One?

I'm thinking about buying a BBT. I'm not sure if these OPKs are going to work or if it's just me. I haven't done the temp thing yet because...well, I'm afraid I'll make myself crazy. Maybe I will. But I'm making myself crazy as it is. I had *no* idea it would take this long in my cycle to get a positive OPK. I also I had no idea I'd be this obsessed with it. Now I want to get a positive very soon - so I can prove to myself that I can.

As if I have a choice in all of this.

So do I buy a BBT? Do I start temping?? I'm trying to also check my CM and relate it to my fertility signs but quite honestly, I don't think I'm getting any signs. I also don't know anything about temping. Sure, I've read (and joined even!) Fertility Friend.com but I guess I'm going to have to really read it all if I'm going to start temping. I'm sure I'll have to make a decision by my next CD1, especially since we're really trying then. So that gives me, oh, at least 2 more weeks.

Dh and I watched a CSI we had Tivoed last night. Two of the women in the episode were using BBTs. I wasn't in the room but DH asked me about it so I told him. This morning I was taking my temperature because I feel like I'm getting sick and he asked me if I was using a BBT. He's so cute. Maybe that was a sign.

I've also been thinking about a couple of other things. For one, jinxes. I don't believe in jinxes. Dh and I agreed not to make our first trip to the baby store until I was 12 weeks. We did it. Then we agreed not to register until the day we found out the sex of our baby. We did that too. We didn't buy any baby stuff, we didn't discuss names until after 12 weeks, we didn't tell family until Christmas Day (oddly, the day before our baby died). So, if we did all of that and we still lost our baby, then that means we couldn't have jinxed ourselves. If we were that careful, that aware of making sure we made it to our "safe" times and we still had something bad happen, then what else could we have done? I don't think much of anything that would have jinxed us.

Knock on wood.

The other thing is something that Vixanne mentioned on her blog. Her therapist told her to make her second (and current!) pregnancy different than her first. That makes sense to me, even though I hadn't really thought about it. I'm going to do that. I'm also wondering if I should do that for TTC this time. I'm already doing things differently and it is kind of nice.

1-I'm keeping a journal, but a different kind - notes about my cycle, ect. More technical stuff than I did last time. 2-I'm not on the same message boards as last time. 3-I'm using OPKs (okay, not so nice but when they work they'll be my new best friends. 4-I'm already taking prenatal vitamins (which, yes, were for my pregnancy but I feel good taking them knowing they're working ahead of time this time around) 5-I'm giving up caffeine (tomorrow, eeks!) and alcohol.

Oh, I'm going to buy a BBT so I should stop debating about it. Now I'm going to need help learning it. And not becoming obsessed. That, my friends, is the tricky part!

Deflated

I feel like someone has sucked the air right out of me today. I feel deflated and discouraged. I think it's because this cycle is apparently going to be longer than I thought it would be. Which means next month will most likely be too. I know it doesn't seem like a big deal, but the extra days and weeks add up and that makes getting to "try"further away and I hate that.

Still nothing with the OPKs. I gotta be getting close here though. Today is CD17 so please, ovaries, send me +++ soon. I don't really feel like I have any reason to be feeling this way. I guess it's just one of *those* kinda days.

I feel like a broken record. Negative OPK. Wants desperately to be pregnant. Really wants to start trying. Nothing from the doctor. Misses baby boy. Feels guilty, sad and is having an off day. I'm like a classified ad gone bad.

Vixanne from A Different Child is pregnant. I'm so happy for her. I think its because her story gives me hope. See - you CAN get pregnant. I'm totally jealous. But I hope to be there soon too. I can right now only imagine all of things she must be feeling. I want nothing more than to be feeling all of that too. And I want to feel that way now. But yes, I'm waiting and I'm hanging onto every detail from you, Vixanne, in the meantime. So there!

I'm sure things will be different when I'm pregnant but I've started writing a list for pregnant-again me. I like to think of it as my list from myself, as I was before - the "naive and I didn't even know it me". Actually, I'll get it together and post it so maybe someone will have something to add to it. It does help though - I really feel like the only thing I can do from all of this is learn. It seems to be the hard way but it's how I feel I can take something good from everything that's been so sad.

And next time, can I learn things the easy way? Thank you.

Those Damn Purple Bunnies

Negative, negative, negative. I've taken 4 OPKs in the last three days (I know, one day I tested twice to try out a different time of day) and they're all negative. Today is CD16. According to mymonthlycycles.com, I'm not ovulating until Saturday. Meaning I won't get a + OPK for a few more days. Ugh. On that website, it shows you your most fertile days by using bunnies in various shades of purple. Wednesday is my first light purple bunny day. Damn Purple Bunnies.

On a good note, I'm having a pretty good day. I actually looked at baby stuff in a store - they had cute ocean baby stuff, which I really liked. For the first time ever, I looked at it and thought "I'd love to buy it someday". My usual thought of "I should being buying this for now" didn't pop into my head until after. I think that thought, as small as it was, is a good sign.

As much as I'm dreading it, I'm also looking forward to the TTC journey. I want to be "actively trying", not just planning for it or only thinking about it. I know it's a roller coaster, with the ups and downs and all, but I'd rather be there than here. I'd rather be on the ride than not being able to ride because I'm too short. That's what I am now, too short - short of time and short of answers. I'm relieved that April is finally here, that I'm hopefully over halfway through this last cycle of waiting. I actually have hope that maybe after we start trying, things will start to feel like they're moving forward again, not that I'm just stuck here waiting. I am really hoping for that. That and a BFP - that's what I want soon. More than anything.

Please, pretty please, let me get that BFP very soon.

My Someday Positive Future

Here is a part of my horoscope of the day:

"Exciting information could come your way today. Perhaps this is news about something wonderful happening in your life, or perhaps it is new knowledge about a particular field that interests you. Whichever it is, you're likely to find that as a result of this info, your life will take a definite bend in another direction, one that is quite different and more adventurous than it's been to date. Look forward to a promising future!"

That exciting information was NOT in the form a positive OPK.

Today is CD14. Most people ovulate around today. I have not yet gotten a positive so I guess that means I'm not ovulating in the next two days. I guess that also means I'm having another long cycle. Ugh. On a positive note, maybe I'll get the positive in the next few days - right? Let's hope so.

I'm starting to get anxious about getting the results from the blood tests. I'm thinking that Nice Nurse will probably call me when she gets them back - especially since she knows how persistent I can be. Maybe that'll work to my advantage this time.

It's officially April which means this is officially the month we start trying. It's seemed so far away all of this time. Like "Yeah, someday when April gets here, we'll start trying". But now it's here. I'm terrified but I'm also ready. Dh is very excited about it. It's hard to believe that in a little over two weeks, I'll start counting the day and using the OPKs "for real" this time.

It gives me hope. I'm hoping it's that "positive" future my horoscope is talking about.