If I'm Told this One More Time, I'm Gonna Puke

I called Dr. K's office this morning to get the number for the genetic counselor. It's been 2 MONTHS and I'm getting sick of waiting. I want to know more about my MTHFR and how it will affect me.

I speak with Nice Nurse. First, I ask her about a medication I'm taking and if it's okay to take while trying to get pregnant. She says she thinks so because it's okay to take while pregnant but she'll run it by the doctor.

Then I ask if I can have the number for the GC. I tell her I just want to check in, since I don't even have an appointment yet nor have I heard from them ever. She then asks me, "Well how far along are you?"

What?!? We just had a conversation about taking medication while trying to conceive. HELLO!?!? And then, after I tell her I'm not pregnant but trying, she says the #1 thing that pisses me off.

She says, "Well, I know they're busy seeing pregnant women, which they see first because they are pregnant".

No kidding. So I guess I'll just wait month after month while every pregnant women in the whole region gets in first because they are pregnant. I'll just wait and then have to rush into the office after finally getting pregnant because they put pregnant women on high priority.

Ack. I finally get the number. So I call the very nice lady who will hopefully help me with the GC appointment. I'll call her Jane.

Jane asks me if I'm pregnant. I say no. You can guess what's coming next. "Well, I know we're very busy seeing pregnant women". Ack again. What am I supposed to say now??

Turns out that Jane isn't the one who was assigned to me - that girl is on vacation today. She'll be back tomorrow and she's supposed to call me. I'm not holding my breath.

I am hoping my fertility monitor comes today in the mail. I think I have a better shot at that happening.

CD1

I'm having a beer on this crappy CD1. I'm feeling a bunch of emotions today. Relieved and disappointed, hopeful and failure. How can one person be all of these at once? I'm not sure, but I am.

I'm disappointed that I'm not pregnant. And I feel like I failed. Not only for this last cycle, but that I shouldn't be in this position anyway. Here we go again.

But strap in - another roller coaster ride ahead for June. I'm relieved that AF showed up today and not Tuesday like Fertility Friend suggested. Ovulation will come a few days earlier and turns out, exactly on our anniversary. I do have hope. It's a disappointing but new beginning.

So back to square one. With a vengeance! And hopefully, an early March 2006 due date.

Here's to June, I think I'm Out

CD12, temp drop again - closer to my coverline - and a BFN. I'm pretty sure this month I'm out.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't really, really disappointed. But I'm glad to be getting some signs either way - it's the not knowing that I can't deal with. So here's to June. FF predicts I'm o'ing on the weekend of our 5th wedding anniversary. Maybe it'll be lucky!

I broke down and bought a Clearblue Fertility Monitor! I was going to hold off a few more cycles but what am I waiting for? I bought a new one on Ebay for a great price and hopefully it'll be here Tuesday or so. I'm concerned because CD1 might be Monday and I might not have it. What should I do then? Any suggestions??

My friend also bought PreSeed for herself and her friend but her friend is now pregnant. I'm thinking of asking her if I can buy some of hers. I've heard great things about it.

So, with my new monitor, PreSeed and a heck of a better understanding of when to time things, maybe June will be successful.

Happy Memorial Day weekend, ladies.

I Am Weak

I caved and tested. BFN not surprisingly! I didn't tell dh. I'm going to test tomorrow too as we had planned. I was hoping to surprise him but now I'm just disappointed.

I had a temp drop this morning on my chart too. Still about the coverline though. So what does that mean?! I have no idea! I'm hoping tomorrow's will give me a little more insight.

So ladies, what do you think?

I've been trying not to get my hopes up but to think positive. Of course, the "signs" of pregnancy and AF being so similar that Mother Nature gives us don't really help. Thanks for nothing!

So I'm hanging in there for a few more days. If my BFN stays that way, next cycle we're going to try to time things better. And I think we'll use PreSeed, I've heard great things about it. And maybe the fertility monitor.

But maybe I'm wrong. I'm keeping everything crossed until I know for sure either way!

Hide the HPTs!

Today is cd31. I am either 9dpo or 12dpo. I am so weak that I tested on Monday and of course it was BFN. Dh and I made a deal that I won't test again until Friday. So I'm trying to hold out, although I might have to have him hide the HPTs.

I have been having some light cramps for a few days now. It started on Monday and actually, it hasn't started yet today. I'm not sure what that means. I have very mixed feelings. One second, I'm sure I'm not pregnant. We didn't time it like I had hoped and I thought I o'd a few days earlier than FF is telling me. Then, on the other hand, the cramps...I've had an upset stomach off and on for a few days and my bbs are quite large. My mood is all over the place. So maybe, just maybe, I'm not out yet.

I did a wonderful thing on Sunday and I'm very proud of myself. I helped my 7-month-pregnant friend register for her baby shower. It took 4 hours but it was really fun and I was so happy when we left! I did it to help her, first of all, but I also did it to help me. It was therapeutic. I had no idea we'd be at the baby store that long but after the first few minutes, it was numbing. I only had one strange thought - I didn't want anyone to ask me if I had any children. Because being in that store, with all those big bellies and even newborns, it seemed so cruel to have to answer that question. To tell someone who's pregnant that my baby died. That thought came and went pretty quickly, but it was weird. Most of them, not all I'm sure, but most have no idea that their baby could have died like mine did. They assumed that pregnancy = baby. And as we all know, that's not always the case.

BUT - I have to say on the flip side - it did give me hope. There were so many different kinds of 'mommies' in there. Young and old. I'm hoping that maybe again it'll be my turn.

If I'm not pregnant, I'm kicking around the idea of buying a fertility monitor. The opks are getting expensive and after this past month, I've learned they can be tricky to read. I'm watching a few new ones on Ebay and I'm seriously considering it.

The next few days are going to tell it all!

The Bittersweet 2WW

Today was my temp spike. Woohoo! Although, I have to say I think I ovulated before yesterday. I just really do. But Fertility Friend will put it as yesterday anyway. Hmmmm. I'm just glad to have gotten the spike. A friend suggested that maybe I'm a slow riser and my 3-day flat temps were after o. That's a thought.

So now we wait. Being here, in the 2ww, is very interesting. It's the thought that anything could be right now that is giving me hope. Dh and I didn't bd the last few days like I had hoped but we did give it our all the few days prior. There's only so much bding one can do, ya know?

So pregnant-girl-that-looks-like-me was around over the weekend. Turns out there was a huge baby shower at the function hall across the street and that's what she was doing there. She was putting on the shower. I had a rough time with it on Sunday but I lived. It was just hard, being that is was pretty much in my face the whole time. And baby showers do attract pregnant women. Although, I did look out at one point and saw a huge, gigantic pregnant women standing outside. SMOKING. I was so mad, I wanted to go over to her and shake her while screaming, "Do you have any idea what you're doing?? You're smoking while very pregnant and your baby is here. I did everything right and and mine is not." But I didn't. Although I would have liked to.

I'm trying to be relaxed and hopeful while waiting. There's a fine line between being hopeful and getting your hopes up. I'm trying to be positive too. Dh is unsure and I try to reassure him that we did all we could this time. And that it is only month one trying. And, I hate to say it, but we have a better game plan for next month if it's a BFN. But I do have hope and for those few moments, it makes me happy.

Charting Help!

I am more confused than ever.

Anyone, anyone??

Hellish Saturday

I got a package today from a long-distance friend whom I don't speak with very often. However, she is on my Christmas card and I mentioned being pregnant to her last Christmas in my usual card. Unfortunately, I forgot to tell her (mostly since I haven't written her since) that I lost the baby.

Stupid on my part.

The package is a wonderful, big box packed with baby stuff. There's even a bath set that says "For Mom". And a handmade card. It's gorgeous and it was such a nice thought on her part. On the front it says "re: new baby".

I feel like I've been stabbed in the heart. Obviously, only good things were meant with that package but instead I'm heartbroken and feel terrible. I'm going to send her a thank you and explain what happened but man, I can't believe I forgot to tell her. And the kicker is that I waited until Christmas to say anything - thinking I was 19 weeks, almost halfway! - and naive. Actually, we waited until Christmas Day to tell dh's family...it was a huge secret and hard to keep of course, then WHAM, the next day...it was over.

I'm also angry. Angry at myself - here we go again. I hate that I have to feel this way and make other people feel it too. I hate that I have to say "I have sad news - I lost the baby". I, like it was me, which maybe it was but who knows. And I'm pissed off that my baby isn't here. I really haven't felt angry or mad until now but maybe I'm getting to a new phase of my grief. The pissed-off phase.

And, while all of my emotions are going crazy, I'm ovulating. I have cramps like I've been kicked in the tummy and it hurts. I never remember o-ing hurting this bad before, but then again I never really paid attention. My opk confused me today. I got a second line, only one tiny shade lighter than the control line, so I think that means negative. I'm assuming o is today so I'm also curious to see what my temp is like in the am.

I guess it's just going to be one of those days.

cd19 and Ovulation is Imminent

My big news of the day - ovulation is imminent. I got a +opk today, finally! It felt so good to finally POAS and get a positive, even at cd19. Now, let's just hope Miss Egg meets Mr. Sperm before the keg runs dry.

Here's a warning that the next two subjects are a little TMI. Although, if you're on this ttc journey too, your threshold for tmi is probably high like mine is.

First, my cm is not jiving with my positive opk. Let's just say that my "fertile" cm seemed to be hanging around a few days before today. Today things aren't as fertile-seeming to me. Granted, I'm new at this but I'm a little baffled (and a little worried) as to what's going on. And my chart is zero help. Hmmm.

Second, dh's enthusiasm for all of this bd-ing is wearing thin. Like Holly's dh, I think mine is not amused by all of this purely baby-making lovin'. Granted, it's not at all how I had hoped but such is life and planning our 'encounters' is just a part of it. I'm trying not to tell him all of my ovulation details but he knows what's up. I know how to describe it but it's not really fun.

On a different note, I gave my mom and mom in law the bracelets from Bracelets of Hope. Kim does an awesome job! They LOVED them. They both had them on the other day, which was great. I wrote a little thing for each about what they mean and why I chose them...I wouldn't let either one read it while I was around - I knew I'd lose it- but that was okay. They read them after and it really makes me happy that now that they each have something to remember our first baby - our first son. I have my two bracelets and it bring me a little closure to wear them.

Dh and I haven't planted our tree for the baby yet. I want to get some kind of small plant, with blue flowers if I can find one, to plant in our yard since the tree will live at my in-laws. I'm starting to wonder if because I haven't "done" anything to remember the baby that I should. Well, I shouldn't say that - I've done a few things but I'd like to do a few more. It does help.

So here's to my "o" weekend - wish me luck!

Uchenna & Joyce Win!

I am SO happy that Uchenna and Joyce won Amazing Race. Woo hoo! Since Day 1 when they were telling their story of infertility and miscarriage, my heart went out to them. And last night when they won the million dollars - wow!! Not only do they seem like amazing people, they are now going to be able to start the in-vitro journey!! And Uchenna said if that doesn't work, "adoption here we come". It was so nice to see them win and I'm really hoping their quest for a baby is successful.

Lately I'm a big fan of pregnancy loss awareness. I feel like it's this big secret, which I don't really know why, but when someone is going through or has gone through it, the most important thing is support! Why is it so hush-hush?? Of course, then there's Britney Spears being "rush to the hospital because she thought was having a miscarriage". I've never seen anyone being rushed to the hospital via driving herself in her convertible. I would never wish anything bad to happen but I think that was a little overdone. And now we have the latest Hollywood pregnancy - Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck. I'm sure they weren't even trying and she's pregnant. SIGH.

Anyway, my due date came and went. I'm still sad but it's a different kind of sad. I feel in my heart that we would have been home from the hospital today. I would have put out the balloons to let everyone know we were home. We would have had company in and out all day long. I'm so hoping for this to happen, for our different child. I saw a girl yesterday walking outside and she looked like me - same color hair, same length and she was wearing a maternity outfit I have - she was adorable. It freaked me out at first because she really looked like me. But she was pregnant and that is exactly what I want very soon.

My biggest TTC news - I have a new ob!! Woo hoo!! I called Monday and told them my situation and asked if I should come in now or wait until I'm pregnant. The nice phone lady said it was my choice and I told her I'd like to come in now. She asked me some questions as to whom I'd like to see - I told her a doctor (they also have nurse-midwives), someone who's patient and that I have a complicated history. She suggested Dr. S and that's just fine. I went online and saw her picture and read her profile and I'm so hoping she's perfect for me. Also, it says she has a clinical interest in high-risk pregnancies. Perfect.

Today is CD17 and I'm hoping to O soon. I've been using OPKs since Sunday and still a BFN. FF says I'll o on Friday but my TCOYF software says Monday. Hmmm. I hope Miss Egg and Mr. Sperm meet soon.

My 1st Mother's Day

It's here. My first Mother's Day. Last night I was thinking about it - one year ago, we had decided to start trying and we waited the three months before trying, per my doctor. It wasn't long after Mother's Day that happened. Each year, we go to breakfast with my mom-in-law and then we go to visit with my mom. Because I'm the last of my married friends to have children, I would buy them cards and joke that they don't make cards for Someday Moms. It was more of a celebration of women, not just mothers, for me. Today I'm trying to remind myself of that and I just can't get into it.

I should either be overdue, still in the hospital or home with a brand-new baby. I should be a brand-new mom. I should be wearing my Mother and Child necklace, the one I wanted from dh from the beginning of my pregnancy. He kept telling me to wait, to wait, to wait - I thought for sure I'd get it for Christmas and I didn't. He told me he wanted to get it for my first Mother's Day.

Nobody has mentioned Happy Mother's Day to me. Two of my friends sent cards - which was really sweet - but today, not a soul has mentioned it, not even dh. It's like I don't count. Which granted, I didn't get to mother my baby in the sense that he was outside in the world but for 5 months, I did. I was a mother for those months. I was excited, happy, thrilled, scared, nervous...I was so sick and at the doctor's every week. I had hopes and dreams for my son, I had feelings that only a mother can understand. I loved every second of it. But because he's gone and not here with me, I think most people don't see me as a mom.

It's sad. It's a sad day and all I can think of are my new friends who've lost babies. And who don't have living children. My heart breaks today and know theirs does too. It's a strange feeling, like I'm in this secret club of unfinished moms but you don't know about it unless you've been or are there.

I don't think I'll ever looks at Mother's Day the same again. Sure, I'm hoping with all my heart that next year I'll be holding a beautiful baby this time next year. But I'll always think of the women in my situation today - and that there are lots of other women spending their first Mother's Day like I am spending mine.

I also feel disappointed and like a failure. Like it's my own fault I'm not a "real" mom today - I also feel like I let down my friends and family. I know, I know...that's not true but it's what I'm feeling. Like they look at me and think of what should be and what's not. That hurts most of all.

I'm trying to find the good to focus on today, what little there is for today. That I did, for a short time, have a son and that he'll live in my heart forever. And that hopefully someday, there will be my different child, hopefully here and healthy and with me and in my arms. I hope for my friends who are pregnant and lost babies - I'm jealous but I really do believe their pregnancies will have happy endings this time. And I have hope for my friends who are trying. I'm trying to have hope for me and dh. With that hope, I say Happy 1st Mother's Day to me. Not at all how I expected but it is, just the same, my first. And I hope next year will be my first with a baby in my arms.

The Would Be's

First, the happy stuff. Our vacation was awesome! Just what we needed. Dh and I had an awesome time, spending time alone was good for us both. The change of scenery was great too - it was good to be somewhere different for a few days. It was great!

On a sad note, yesterday was my due date. I cried most of the morning - having to come home from a fun trip to the sadness here was tough. Of course we sat right behind a 10-month-old baby boy on the way home. He was perfect - didn't make a peep - but I couldn't help but think of mine. The one I lost but should have been here this weekend. It's so sad, my broken-heart feeling and also my feelings of failure and disappointment keep coming back. And of course the "Why me?" thoughts.

And Mother's Day. The icing on the cake.

I feel like this is the last rough part for now - I know it's not really, but the next week is going to be full of what would be's. I'm trying to focus on other things. Like TTC, getting ready for the Spring and spending time with friends and family.

My TTC update - today is CD13. Only another week or so until Miss Egg makes her big journey. Here's hoping for a BFP very soon.