Those Solid Red Lines are SO Sweet

My outside-of-ttc life has been very busy so I haven't had time to update! I am so happy to say that I got solid red crosshairs on Fertility Friend chart. Woohoo!! I am 5dpo and very happy to be here in the 2ww. After my long confusing cycle last month, it's nice to have a somewhat more normal chart going on now. My temps aren't as high post ovulation as I would have thought, but at least they're looking like they're going up, up, up.

And dh and I managed to bd on the hopefully right nights - both peak readings on the monitor. Not giving him quite so many details has helped although he still looks at my chart (which is funny because he's not really sure what he's looking at!) but it did help some with the performance anxiety. The Preseed is great, I love it - but too much of it can be a bad thing with us, so I've gone easy (so to speak!) on that too and that helped. I feel like maybe, just maybe!, things are coming together a little better for us this month.

So in the proper 2ww way, I'm analyzing every little symptom. I've been nauseated at night off and on for a few days. I've had some very light crampy feelings - and a tummy ache too. Sooo...probably it's wayyyy too early to be anything but it gives me something new to obsess about. I'm really, really, really trying to wait until 12dpo to test since testing too early does nothing but make me crazy and waste money on hpts. So, let's see if I make it another week (or so!).

I haven't been doing my yoga as much I'd like to, but I did get two sessions in last week. Aaaahhh. I'm starting to notice on days I skip it, my body feels tighter and when I do finally do yoga, I pop and crack more. And my mood isn't as relaxed. I still can't believe I like it - I'm sooooo not the yoga type. But hey, whatever works!

Top of the Fertility Totem Pole

Finally! I have a PEAK reading on my fertility monitor. Woo hoo!! We had a busy yet good weekend and I was psyched to get a high reading yesterday. I really thought I'd get several days of high readings - my friend got 10 in one cycle! - but after such a long, frustrating cycle last month it was a good sign.

Then something even better happened...I got the peak today!! It's a great feeling. And I really wasn't expecting it since today is only cd16. So strange since I haven't had this short of a cycle since...well, ever. But that's okay - I'll take it, it feels great. And my temps are somewhat resembling a normal person's chart this month too. Double woo hoo!

So now the bding starts! (Well, it's already started but you know). I am still keeping my somewhat relaxed state of mind. And I'm doing my fertility yoga tonight, maybe it's helping. Whatever I'm doing seems to be working so I'll just keep at it and maybe some more luck will come my way. I'll take it!

My sinus infection isn't going away. I feel crappy and I'm giving it two more days before I call the doctor back. I did call Dr. S's office, my new obgyn, to get thier 'approved' list of medicines for pregnant patients. Of course, the first thing the nurse asks is "Are you pregnant?" I say no, but I'm trying. She says, "Oh, then you don't have our pregnancy handbook then". DUH. I could have gotten upset, but I didn't. I just gave her a flat out no. So she then read me the whole list of approved decongestants - she couldn't fax it to me, for whatever reason - and Sudafed was on it so I'm golden. Hopefully I can kick this soon.

Sinus Schminus

Just as I had thought, I have a nice sinus infection. GROSS. At the doctor's office, I see the same nurse I saw last September when I was pregnant and had the same thing. Luckily, she didn't remember me. Today, she's telling me to take a decongestant and when I told her I'm trying to get pregnant, she said, "Oh, nevermind. You can't take that then". So I ask her what I can take - since it feels like my head my implode. She tells me another brand is okay - but she's not really sure since it's a class C medication and that means it hasn't been studies in pregnant women. I tell her I haven't ovulated yet and is it okay to take for a few days and, the best answer ever: "It's really up to you if you want to take it or not". ?!?!? Then, I think to cover her ass, she tells me I should really call my obgyn to find out what they suggest to their pregnant patients for decongestants...every office is different and she doesn't want to step on anyone's toes.

I think my favorite part of our conversation is her asking me if we'd like to "not try" for a week while I take this medicine. What?!?! I don't get it.

Then later today, I had a nice patch of EWCM. It's only cd12 and fertility monitor says low. Must be a fluke. Can being sick cause this?! My temp went from 96.5 yesterday to 98.5 today but I really think it's due to my head issues. Hmmmmm.

I haven't done my yoga in two days. Downward dog with a stuffy head isn't so relaxing. I'm hoping to kick this in a few days so I get back into the swing of things. I actually miss yoga. I never thought I'd say that.

Being sick is quite a distraction though - just not exactly what I had in mind!

Dh and I went on a date last night to see "Wedding Crashers". It was funny. It was nice to get away from everyone and relax for awhile - we went swimming before so it was a nice evening. We're going to try to do more date-like things more often.

Under the (hot) Weather

I am sick. It sucks. I woke up with a nice sore throat, which has progressed into a whole sore neck area and a throbbing headache, which I can't kick. It's been just over 24 hours and I've had it. I'm calling the doctor tomorrow.

Can having a sore throat cause my very big dip in my temps today?! I've never had a temp this low before in my short charting history. Weird.

Of course, my first thought when I started feeling crappy was it'll interfere with my fertility this month. SIGH. Hopefully it won't if I can kick this soon.

I've really been missing our baby a lot this week. Not that I don't miss him everyday, just that this week has been a little harder on me. It comes and goes. It still makes me very sad.

I hope the doctor gives me some meds that work quick.

Hottest Day of the Year

It's SO hot here. Today is the hottest day of the year. Thank God for air conditioning!

CD10, my first low day on my monitor. I have 9 more sticks from the first box of 30 that I bought. The booklet says not to use tests from different boxes - but at $50 a box, I hate to throw out 10 sticks. So I'm going to chance it and see what happens. If I had normal cycles, I might only need 10 sticks anyway. But I have freakish long cycles so we'll play it by ear. I did find a box of 30 sticks on Amazon.com for $36.99 with free shipping -that's a deal! I'm ordering mine tomorrow.

I have decided I want a naval ring. Of course, I can't get my belly button pierced in my current trying-to-get-knocked up state, but it's one of those things I've wanted and never did. Until now, when I want to and I can't. Kinda of like the grass is always greener. Maybe it'll be something I do someday.

Tomorrow's forecast - hot, hot, hot!

Distractions, Anyone?

Does anyone have any? Good distractions, that is!!

I'm focusing on not thinking about ttc. Easier said than done. I'm still feeling relaxed but each day closer to o is making me a little more anxious. Ugh. I hate this part. Today is cd9. Only another 15-20 more days to go. I'm also thinking about my long-term plan and when I'm going to throw in the towel and call the doctor. I'm going to give it another 3 months, if I can make it that long. Hopefully I won't have to. We'll see.

I had a good weekend. Dh and I went to a cookout on Saturday and I drank too much. It was very fun. It was my hopefully-last-time-drinking party too, which was awesome. Nothing like a good hangover. Haaaaa. I want to see Wedding Crashers, which we didn't do this weekend but will this week. Movies in the theatre are a great distraction - it's like time goes on for two hours without noticing it and I like that.

If anyone has any other good distraction ideas, please let me know.

As for the yoga, a few of you asked about the fertility poses. Honestly, I've done yoga a few times in different classes and the Fertility Yoga DVD isn't really any different. I'm very new at this, but the poses are pretty standard - downward dog, warrior, frog pose...there's a whole hour's worth of them, but there's nothing that I think is just for fertility. I'm going to watch the DVD again and jot down the poses so I know what's on next and I'll let you girls know.

Happy Monday, everyone.

Ooommmmmm

Yoga, I think, is working for me.

I'm feel calmer after doing it. I bought a new DVD - Fertility Yoga. It's different from the first one I bought, which is nice. I'm feeling relaxed and like I'm doing something good for myself! Yey!! And, it's inspiring me to want to do all kinds of good-for-me things, like go for walks and read and exercise. Holy crap, I'm inspired.

I hope this is the beginning of new way of thinking for me. Even just a little bit.

What to Make of the Irony of It All

Sometimes I think life is really testing me. Today I was playing with the Due Date calculators on FF - partly for wishful thinking, partly for fun. I try out my dates for this cycle to see when I'd be due if we were to conceive this month. Just off the top of my head, I was thinking mid-April 2006. My math sucks.

Based on my FF estimated ovulation dates, if on the tiniest hope, I was to get pregnant this month, I would be due somewhere around April 26th, 2006.

Here's where the irony comes in. That's just 9 days (and one year) shy of my last due date.

I'm thinking about all of this because it's so ironic. There are 12 months of the year and right now, there's more that I want than to be pregnant. But to be within 9 days of my last due date?! I couldn't have timed that closer on a bet. Once I started really thinking about it, it's not the due date that brings me concern. It's not necessarily a bad thing. It would be kind of nice to have a baby to bring home around that time of year next Spring. Of course, it would be weird at first, I would think, to have a baby born around that time. But still, kind of nice.

It's the pregnancy that totally freaks me out. I'm afraid of having anxiety around the time I lost my first baby - Christmas. It's going to be hard enough as it is, but being almost as far along as I was last time?!? Hmmmm. One of my favorite pieces of advice - "Make the next time different" - would be harder, that's for sure. But can I really do it? I'm hoping so. On one hand, yes it's very weird. It's ironic. But on the other, I'm going to have anxiety no matter what. And I want a baby no matter what.

Of course, this could all be 'what if' thinking if I don't get pregnant. Then, I wouldn't have to worry about it. But this month and this cycle are a turning point. Until now, I've been thinking of one way to get through Christmas while pregnant is that I'd be further along than the 21 week point at which I lost the baby. I'd be closer to viability and "more pregnant". But after this cycle, that's out the window - I'd be a few weeks behind where I was last time. I'm going to have to change my game plan and my thoughts to get through it if I don't get pregnant this month. But there's nothing I can do about any of this, since it's out of my hands.

Today is cd5. I bought a new yoga DVD yesterday - it's supposedly for fertility, but I'm not thinking it's magic or anything. It got great reviews and I'm hoping it's a good one. I do feel more relaxed and calm lately. It's very nice. We'll see how long it lasts.

Nobody to Obsess With

There aren't many people from my real life who know that I journal here. Except for dh. (HI DH, I love you!) Anyway, you girls are my support circle for ttc. There was one other person who I shared every detail of this trying to get pregnant journey with. She's awesome - she got me hooked on charting. She also was doing acupuncture, which if I could afford, I'd do in a heartbeat. She's into herbs and doing this naturally and I really admire that about her. After going through just two cycles of this, I can't imagine what she's been through over the last 12 months.

My friend had a very successful cycle last month.
She is pregnant.
With twins.

I am so, so, so happy for her! My heart is so full that I can only imagine I'd be happier if it was me. That's how excited I am. And twins! Two babies. It really blows my mind.

It has been 4 weeks or so since she found she was pregnant. She is still checking on me, which I appreciate it so much, but it's just not the same. On one hand, it's very good for me. I can step back and be not quite as obsessed. I feel more relaxed and that I can focus on life outside of my ovaries.

But, on the other, it's lonely.

I also read and post a lot on the Silent Grief boards. The girls there are so great. When I started out on the ttc board, there was a whole group of girls I got to know. Most of them had been trying to conceive (again) for months and months and months. And now, happily, most of them have moved to the pregnant boards. Again, I am so very happy for them! I'm glad they moved and I don't mind being on the ttc because they so deserve their BFPs.

But it is kinda sad.

I feel a little selfish even posting this. Like why should it matter? I'm happy for them. And I'm hoping it'll be my turn soon enough. I went from having these friends to obsess with to not having them with me anymore. I guess I'm just readjusting. And, like I said, it is a good thing. A very good thing. Just different.

I have also found that my yoga DVD really helps me relax! I think it's awesome and never thought I'd say that! I'm the least flexible person in the world but it's fun trying. I am going to get another yoga DVD, that's for sure. It feels good to do something good for me, with all the craziness of the world going on.

I hope all of you who are ttc move on to being pregnant VERY soon. So go on. I'll take lonely and more BFPs any day!

Surviving the Shower

Baby shower, that is. Today was my first since losing our baby. Granted, it was for a very good friend of mine and I really wanted to be there. But it was so hard. I can only imagine what it would have been like had I not been so close with the mom to be. There was a three week old baby boy, who was beautiful, and seeing him was one of the worst things for me. That sadness of knowing my baby should have been there too. And the talk of pregnancy and labor and birth...of course, when asked if I had any children I said no. It seemed wrong to have to explain myself at an event to celebrate a new life coming into the world. It seemed too sad.

Today was also cycle day one. AF showed on the day of a baby shower. Life can be so cruel.

I am still in my "give it my best shot" attitude. Trying to figure out when I'll ovulate is too much right now - FF took back the solid crosshairs from cd28 and gave me the dotted one on cd18 for my last cycle. That makes my luteal phase over 20 days long. I still don't think I ovulated, so thanks Fertility Friend, for nothing.

I'm drained, emotionally and mentally. The shower took a lot of out of me. I was playing with the due date calculator and if we conceive this cycle, I'd be due late April. Oddly, just weeks before I was due last time. It's all so ironic. It would be bittersweet and kind of a nice thing if it did happen - I have mixed feelings but I'm trying not to focus on it. No added pressure, if that's possible.

I have done my yoga DVD the last two nights. It's awesome! Very relaxing and I feel good after. I didn't think I'd enjoy it this much. I took tonight off but tomorrow I'm back at it. I'm going to get another one so I can mix it up. I feel good after, like I'm doing something good for my inner and outer self. I like that.

Tomorrow, Tomorrow

I believe AF is on her way. I have never been so happy to get that crampy feeling. Ah, cycle day one feels so good this month. Finally.

I'm seriously rethinking my ttc strategy - and my attitude - for July. TTC has become an obsession and I don't really like it. And I hate it even more that I've come to this point.

That being said, and my only-getting-longer-by-the-months cycles, I'm going to take it a little easier on myself this month. The last two months, I've had this gung-ho bding schedule and I think it tires me out before its even in play. The pressure is taking a toll on dh. My short term plan is to keep using the fertility monitor and checking my cm. I am going to keep temping but I'm losing my faith in it fast. I'm going to give myself another two cycles and see where we're at. I'd love to do acupuncture, but at $120 a week, I just can't do it right now. But if I'm not pregnant by the Fall, I'm going to reconsider.

So tomorrow I hope to take control back! I made a short list, which is on my desk, of things I want to do other than obsess about ttc. Scrapbooking, yoga, reorganizing my closets, selling some stuff on Ebay...are just a few. I just hope this works.

My new beginner yoga DVD came today. Yeah! I hope it can help me relax and strech. I'd like to start walking too, maybe just to start around the block with our dog.

Breathe, breathe, breathe.

Broken Record

I'm starting to feel like a broken record. Every day, I get up to update my FF chart. And every day, I'm more confused than the day before. Today is the Icing on the Cake Day.

There are crosshairs - solid lines - and it says I o'd on cd26 and today is 14dpo. If this is true, then I'm not as "late" as I think I am and it also means there's no way I'm pregnant, since dh and I got discouraged and stopped bding after I thought I o'd.

Lesson of the day - Don't stop bding to soon.

I did change the methods of interpretation, just to see what they say. Advanced and Research both give me the solid lines. FAM says I have not ovulated this cycle. Back to square one - wondering what is going on.

I am going to call the doctor on Monday if still no AF, as I had planned. I'm going out of town Friday through Tuesday for work, but maybe they'll want to see me next week if my body doesn't show signs of AF soon. I'm trying to take it one day at a time, but cd40 sure is hard. And, as I mentioned yesterday, I'm afraid of what this means for my next cycles. Are they going to keep getting longer?? Please, please say no.

Sunday I am going to a baby shower. It's okay, it's for my friend who's really been there for me after I lost my baby. She has been the one pregnant person who didn't act like I'm contagious or that hanging around with me could make something bad happen to her too. I love that about her. I, in return, have helped get her through her pregnancy and it's been therapeutic for me. I did spend an hour in Motherhood Maternity over the weekend helping her pick out the baby shower outfit. I thought it would be hard but it wasn't. I actually picked out a few things that I'd like for the Fall/Winter, should I get to be the lucky pregnant one again soon.

The only thing I'm not looking forward too at the shower are the few people who knew I was pregnant - I'm really hoping it won't come up. A baby shower isn't the place to ask a formerly pregnant women what happened, you know? And in this family, another person had a stillborn around 38 weeks. That woman won't be there, she doesn't "believe" in baby showers, which I kind of understand. All in all, it should be painless but wish me luck.

I just want it to be my baby shower - and all of you girls to have one too, someday.

No Egg for Me

And the saga continues....

Today I go online to put in my temp on FF. And guess what? The crosshairs are GONE! Gone! The stop light is there, saying "Ovulation Not Detected" and it's red.

AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Welcome to Cycle Day 39.

I am completely and totally freaked out. I am debating about calling the doctor, but again, I'm not sure what they'll say. I am thinking about waiting until Monday to call, if no AF, because I am going out of town for work on Friday. Are they going to tell me I'm crazy? Or put me on Clomid?? My fear now is that I'm not ovulating because something is really wrong with me - OR - that I'll get AF and not ovulate next cycle too.

No egg = no conceiving = no baby = a very sad and pissed off me.

I hope I'm overreacting and that AF will show and this is all a freak cycle. I am also wondering if I'm really stressing myself out and doing this to myself. I need to find some ways to make myself less stressed and focused on ttc. I am considering taking a break from temping - but when I think of doing it, I also think that I wouldn't have known I didn't ovulate this cycle if I hadn't been temping. It's a double edge sword.

I did buy a relaxation yoga DVD from Ebay. I hate yoga, but I'll try it. Maybe it'll give me something else to focus on and a way to relax. I'd love to try acupuncture, but at $120 a week, I just can't afford it right now. Maybe down the road, if needed.

Okay - short term plan. Wait for AF, call dr on Monday if she's not here. Try yoga DVD and try to get some exercise (aka walking my dog!) each day to relieve stress. Any other ideas?

Oh yeah, and please wish me luck.

Back from the Land of Wishful Thinking

Dh and I went away for a few days. We had fun, although I was highly emotional due to the fact that a, it was the place we told his parents I was pregnant the first time and b, AF is now late and I'm either very PMSing or I'm pregnant. Without a pregnancy test in sight (and staying with my in-laws) I got to pretend for a few days that maybe it was the latter.

On the way home, we stopped for more HPTs and that little dream was shattered instantly.

Today is cd38. Freaking 38 DAYS of this. And yet *another* BFN. I'm starting to worry and wonder if something is wrong with me. My 3 cycles since the D&C have been 34, 36 and 34 days long. The only itty-bitty glimmer of reason for this long cycle is that my monitor's last high reading was cd25 - and if you add my 14 day luteal phase, that makes AF due tomorrow at the latest.

I actually prayed yesterday (and believe me, I'm not overly religious) to please, please, please let AF show up before it was time to test again. It didn't happen. I'm going to give it until Thursday and if AF isn't here, time to call the OB. Although I'm not sure what she's going to say to me. Maybe just tell me I'm crazy and send me on my way.

And my chart. I'm *this close!* to throwing my thermometer out the window. Really. My temps aren't telling me jack-shit and I've almost had it with it.

I'm frustrated and upset and disappointed. I honestly don't know how people (a lot of you girls included!) can do this month after month, for years and years. It's SO hard and it feels all wrong. I feel like a failure...again. Dh is so wonderful, he's so supportive and thinks we just need to give it a little more time. Everything says stress doesn't really affect getting pregnant...but I think maybe it does?!? Am I making this worse for myself? What is wrong with me??

I'm angry and I'm putting on my rally cap.

Not Pregnant

That pretty much says it all. The two mean words on the test I didn't want to see. Of course, my temp dropped today to so it's only inevitable that the pregnancy test of Not Pregnant was right.

Sigh.

Okay, time to start thinking forward. July! YEY! Hopefully my monitor will kick-ass this cycle and give me some highs and some peaks. And - I think the monitor was right with the High reading three days for this month, since I usually don't have a 16+ plus luetal phase. Which makes Fertility Friend wrong. So there! One point monitor, no points FF.

The long weekend is ahead. Some friends are coming to visit, she's 8 months pregnant but it's really fine. She's the best pregnant person in the world for me. Then we're going to visit family Monday, which will be fun. It'll be nice to not test for a few days and to get my mind off everything.

Happy 4th of July everyone!