What to Make of the Irony of It All
Sometimes I think life is really testing me. Today I was playing with the Due Date calculators on FF - partly for wishful thinking, partly for fun. I try out my dates for this cycle to see when I'd be due if we were to conceive this month. Just off the top of my head, I was thinking mid-April 2006. My math sucks.
Based on my FF estimated ovulation dates, if on the tiniest hope, I was to get pregnant this month, I would be due somewhere around April 26th, 2006.
Here's where the irony comes in. That's just 9 days (and one year) shy of my last due date.
I'm thinking about all of this because it's so ironic. There are 12 months of the year and right now, there's more that I want than to be pregnant. But to be within 9 days of my last due date?! I couldn't have timed that closer on a bet. Once I started really thinking about it, it's not the due date that brings me concern. It's not necessarily a bad thing. It would be kind of nice to have a baby to bring home around that time of year next Spring. Of course, it would be weird at first, I would think, to have a baby born around that time. But still, kind of nice.
It's the pregnancy that totally freaks me out. I'm afraid of having anxiety around the time I lost my first baby - Christmas. It's going to be hard enough as it is, but being almost as far along as I was last time?!? Hmmmm. One of my favorite pieces of advice - "Make the next time different" - would be harder, that's for sure. But can I really do it? I'm hoping so. On one hand, yes it's very weird. It's ironic. But on the other, I'm going to have anxiety no matter what. And I want a baby no matter what.
Of course, this could all be 'what if' thinking if I don't get pregnant. Then, I wouldn't have to worry about it. But this month and this cycle are a turning point. Until now, I've been thinking of one way to get through Christmas while pregnant is that I'd be further along than the 21 week point at which I lost the baby. I'd be closer to viability and "more pregnant". But after this cycle, that's out the window - I'd be a few weeks behind where I was last time. I'm going to have to change my game plan and my thoughts to get through it if I don't get pregnant this month. But there's nothing I can do about any of this, since it's out of my hands.
Today is cd5. I bought a new yoga DVD yesterday - it's supposedly for fertility, but I'm not thinking it's magic or anything. It got great reviews and I'm hoping it's a good one. I do feel more relaxed and calm lately. It's very nice. We'll see how long it lasts.
posted by Amanda at 11:13 AM
2 Comments:
Isn't it amazing how you have to plan a subsequent pg sooo carefully? Evan down to the due date? See with us, I don't think I could handle having the same (or similar) due date with our subsequent pg. I don't think I could go through each holiday and still be at the same point in my pregnancy as I was. We have had a successful pg already, and we even planned ttc this time around that same first due date for Caleb. I didn't want to be anywhere near it. But at the same time, I have a friend that lost her dd in January of 2003. She got pg that same year, and was due in January 2004 (she broke down and had her dr induce Christmas eve 2003 though cause she just couldn't deal with being pg and terrified any longer) and guess what. She is pg AGAIN and due January 2006. It doesn't bother her to hit those same milestones at the same times. But it is really different for each person. I just wish you success very very soon.
6:39 PM
Steve and I have talked about another baby and, like you, I noticed potential due dates. My doctor told us to wait six months from our loss. Well, that puts us at one month after our due date for our loss. I'm not sure I want all those comparisons running around in my brain. But then there is the question of being pregnant during the summer...etc...etc... I'm seriously considering whether it's even worth it these days...how sad is that?
5:53 AM
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