Back from the Land of Wishful Thinking

Dh and I went away for a few days. We had fun, although I was highly emotional due to the fact that a, it was the place we told his parents I was pregnant the first time and b, AF is now late and I'm either very PMSing or I'm pregnant. Without a pregnancy test in sight (and staying with my in-laws) I got to pretend for a few days that maybe it was the latter.

On the way home, we stopped for more HPTs and that little dream was shattered instantly.

Today is cd38. Freaking 38 DAYS of this. And yet *another* BFN. I'm starting to worry and wonder if something is wrong with me. My 3 cycles since the D&C have been 34, 36 and 34 days long. The only itty-bitty glimmer of reason for this long cycle is that my monitor's last high reading was cd25 - and if you add my 14 day luteal phase, that makes AF due tomorrow at the latest.

I actually prayed yesterday (and believe me, I'm not overly religious) to please, please, please let AF show up before it was time to test again. It didn't happen. I'm going to give it until Thursday and if AF isn't here, time to call the OB. Although I'm not sure what she's going to say to me. Maybe just tell me I'm crazy and send me on my way.

And my chart. I'm *this close!* to throwing my thermometer out the window. Really. My temps aren't telling me jack-shit and I've almost had it with it.

I'm frustrated and upset and disappointed. I honestly don't know how people (a lot of you girls included!) can do this month after month, for years and years. It's SO hard and it feels all wrong. I feel like a failure...again. Dh is so wonderful, he's so supportive and thinks we just need to give it a little more time. Everything says stress doesn't really affect getting pregnant...but I think maybe it does?!? Am I making this worse for myself? What is wrong with me??

I'm angry and I'm putting on my rally cap.