6 Months

Sunday was the 6 month anniversary of losing our baby. I thought about it all day. I wanted to buy a balloon to release into the sky but I didn't. I should have.

On one hand, I can't believe it's already been 6 months. The winter seemed to creep by after I got home from the hospital and at one point, I thought Spring might never get here. It seems like a million years ago that I was pregnant and sometimes I feel like I could have imagined it. And it's even harder to believe that before, I was happily pregnant and had no idea what was ahead.

Yet now, here I am, in month #2 of ttc another baby. Our "different" baby. I call it our different baby because I think of the poem "A Different Child". I try to remind myself that if I had the baby we lost, we wouldn't be trying to conceive again. It's hard for me not to think I shouldn't be ttc. But I am. And, sometimes it seems like just yesterday I went into preterm labor and was in the ER. I think about how horrible that was and how the nurse wasn't very nice to me. Until she realized my baby would die. Then she became Nurse Friendly. If I had know what I know now.....

But I guess that's the one of the lessons I've learned.

A friend of mine told me she wasn't feeling well and realized she was late - and took an HPT and it was positive. I can't imagine that - not for us, those who are ttc and count the days - to just happen to realize you were late and then to get a BFP. I long for that.

All I can say is that in the past 6 months, I've healed some, learned a lot and I've grown a little. And I very much miss the baby boy that should be here with me now.