The Nonsense Goes On...Day by Day

CD33. Today my temp is the SAME temp I had yesterday. Still above the coverline. I tested this morning, another no. My cramps are gone, my boobs are huge and I feel like I might puke at any minute. Worst of all, I'm not even sure if I ovulated. How much long can this nonsense go on?

I'll say it again - AF should just show up and put me out of my misery.

DH has made me promise not to test again until tomorrow. Afternoon, he says, I but explained the importance of first morning pee. I think I talked him into it. The only tests I have left are the digital ones - those handy dandy PREGNANT or NOT PREGNANT ones. In a way, I think they're cruel. At least give me the satisfaction of *thinking* there just might be a hint of a second line. Those two mean words - not pregnant - leave nothing. And there's no digging them out of the trash can hours later.

If I'm not pregnant, I want a Mai Tai when we go to dinner with friends tomorrow night. I like to think it's safe but then I get on this imagination train of maybe I am pregnant.

Maybe the words - pregnant or not pregnant - aren't so bad afterall.

My TTC List of Crazy

It's official. I'm going crazy.

Today is cd32. Usually I have 32-34 day cycles. My temp dropped today but is still above the coverline. I'm not sure when I ovuated. We didn't bd nearly as much as I'd hoped. Yet I'm holding onto the tiniest thought that maybe - just maybe - I'm pregnant.

Of course, I'm sure I'm not. Why do I do this to myself? And, for the love of God, I just want AF to show up, to prove me wrong and to get going on the next month. Put me out of my misery already!

I was thinking of all the crazy things I've done - and still do - on my quest for a BFP...and a second shot a motherhood. Some are good, most are obsessive. Here's just a few:

*I have dug through my trash can to find a day old pee stick (OPK or HPT, either one!) to see if maybe that second line magically appeared hours after I tossed it.

*I have had open conversations about my cervical fluid with my husband.

*Our sex life is posted on the Internet.

*I've spent a small fortune on various pee sticks, doctor's visits and a fertility monitor.

*Dh askes me every morning how my temperature is (which is so adorable)

*I have a morning routine that, most days out of any given 34, requires I pee on at least one stick, sometimes two, first thing in the morning.

*I then rush to my computer, after the pee stick routine, to post it on the Internet.

*I'm a member of a somewhat elite group of women online who have gone through similar experiences also

*I've learned not to take any crap from nurses or doctors, and when they don't give you the right answer, keep asking.

and, my personal favorite today,

*I cannot talk myself out of taking a pregnancy test too early! Just can't do it!!

Feel free to add your own....

6 Months

Sunday was the 6 month anniversary of losing our baby. I thought about it all day. I wanted to buy a balloon to release into the sky but I didn't. I should have.

On one hand, I can't believe it's already been 6 months. The winter seemed to creep by after I got home from the hospital and at one point, I thought Spring might never get here. It seems like a million years ago that I was pregnant and sometimes I feel like I could have imagined it. And it's even harder to believe that before, I was happily pregnant and had no idea what was ahead.

Yet now, here I am, in month #2 of ttc another baby. Our "different" baby. I call it our different baby because I think of the poem "A Different Child". I try to remind myself that if I had the baby we lost, we wouldn't be trying to conceive again. It's hard for me not to think I shouldn't be ttc. But I am. And, sometimes it seems like just yesterday I went into preterm labor and was in the ER. I think about how horrible that was and how the nurse wasn't very nice to me. Until she realized my baby would die. Then she became Nurse Friendly. If I had know what I know now.....

But I guess that's the one of the lessons I've learned.

A friend of mine told me she wasn't feeling well and realized she was late - and took an HPT and it was positive. I can't imagine that - not for us, those who are ttc and count the days - to just happen to realize you were late and then to get a BFP. I long for that.

All I can say is that in the past 6 months, I've healed some, learned a lot and I've grown a little. And I very much miss the baby boy that should be here with me now.

Finding the Good in the Disappointment

This is the worst 2ww ever. I have no idea how many dpo I am. My chart is a mess. Yesterday I had EWCM. Any thoughts?

I'm pretty much thinking this month is a big fat no, so I'm planning on going all-out next month. I've taken dh out of the loop. He said he'll be able to figure out when I'm ovulating based on when I want to bd all the time, but at least he won't have time to really think about it beforehand. Maybe that'll help. I'm also hoping next month my fertility monitor will be more of a help - keeping my fingers crossed for that.

Trying to find the positive does help. A little. I'm hoping it'll take the sting out of it this month when AF shows up. Dh and I will go out for sushi again, the stuff I can't have while pregnant. And, I can have a couple of beers over the 4th of July weekend. I hate to have that to look forward too but I'll take it. It's better than nothing.

The latest round of summer babies are here. Three boys, two girls. I've bought two out of three baby congrats cards. It seems like every day I get pictures of the newest baby in my email inbox. The first one was cute. The second, cute. They're all cute but a little harsh on the heart.

So yesterday at the pharmacy, I bought some medicine and wanted to make sure it was safe to take while ttc. So I ask. The pharmacist looks it up in the big book of medicine and it is. Yey. I try to make a beeline for the register to pay and she says, "Good luck! That's so exciting!!"

She has no idea.

Genetic Counseling isn't Scary Afterall

Last night I was pretty nervous about my Genetic Counseling appointment today. I'm not sure why - I think I was afraid she' s tell me terrible news or that we shouldn't be trying to get pregnant. Of course, the meeting went well and she said nothing like that.

GC was soooo nice. She went over my MTHFR mutation with dh and I. I have one copy, which isn't a really big deal. She said 30% of the general population have one copy and it wasn't the cause (most likely) for our loss. I asked if dh should get tested and GC said it was up to us - but even if he did and he had a copy, it wouldn't affect a pregnancy - nor the life and health of our babies. She said I don't need treatment for it, now or while pregnant. All good news.

Then we talked about the baby and his 'demise'. GC read my file before I got there and said the tear, placenta abruption and the PROM were all related, of course, and that's what caused the baby to die in-utero. Wait- what?! Abruption?! I thought I had asked if I had an abruption - maybe in my fuzzy, after-loss state I only *thought* I asked - and I was told no. I knew about the tear, which was large at 16 weeks while I was on bedrest - it was 1cm. I didn't realize at the time how serious things were. I wish I had.

Back to the abruption. She said yes, I did have that. I told her I didn't know. I feel that little bit of information to be a HUGE answer in the form of what happened. I knew my water broke, yes. I didn't know why. Now I do.

Then we talked about chromosome problems. GC said my baby didn't have any that we knew of. (Note - the pathology report was inconclusive due to the 'demise'.) The baby seemed fine - none of the 10+ ultrasounds showed anything to be wrong with the baby. Whew. I asked about the "cysts" at the back of the baby's brain they found at the second to last ultrasound - which warranted the Level 2 ultrasound just 6 days before my water broke. GC said they were CPCs or CBCs (I don't remember which) and are very common...and they tend to go away around the 30th week of pregnancy. We just didn't get there.

So all in all, a good meeting. We're cleared of any major genetic issues. Thank God. I feel a little, very tiny bit good today about it all.

My temp took a dive this morning. My monitor is back to low. What is going on with that?

And I am SO very happy I changed doctors.

Matchup between the Chart and the Monitor

Wow, my chart is totally screwed up. Today, it says I am 6dpo. Also today, I got my third high reading in a row on the fertility monitor. I don't know who to believe, Fertility Friend or Fertility Monitor.

It's also screwing up my bd plan. Dh is having the same problem as last month - too much pressure on him when the timing is right. Or so I think it's right. It's really messing with with both of us. I'm hoping tomorrow's temp (and monitor reading) can give me a sign but I'm just not so sure.

Tomorrow is my meeting with the genetic counselor. I'm relieved to finally be going but I'm also anxious. I just want to get it over with!

If anyone has any thoughts about my chart, I'd love to hear them. And I could use some good luck.

And All This is Supposed to be Helping?!?!

The last couple of days I've been waiting for signs that o is approaching. My fertility monitor *still* reads low...that makes 16 days in a row now. I am on cd21. Last month (and the month before) I o'd around cd22. So, I think I should be getting some kind of signs. It is the first month of the monitor so I'm still banking on it getting to know me.

So I buy the OPKs. Of course, I'm still getting negatives. At least there is a second line - it's just not as dark as the first. Yet. Or so I think. My chart is a little wacky - but so was last month, so okay. I haven't had the EWCM nor the usual ovulation cramps (although as I write this, I think they're starting) but I figure I have another day or so before something, even a small sign, lets me know it's getting closer. Dh and I started bding too early last month, so this month I wanted to wait a few extra days and since FF, the monitor and the OPKs are all saying not yet, I think I'm good.

Than WHAM! I get up today, see yet another low on the monitor and log into Fertility Friend to update my chart. And, ladies, today FF says I am 3dpo. What?!?! I don't know. I think it's wrong - I played around with putting some temps in for tomorrow just to see what happens. Maybe it'll be lower than the coverline and they'll take the crosshairs back. We'll see what tomorrow brings.

I'm wondering how many more months I can keep going with all of these fertility checkers. The thermometer, the Preseed, the opk pee sticks, the monitor pee sticks...then the hpt pee sticks. The herbs, the green tea - you name it. I thought all of this information would help, but I wonder if I'm just making myself crazy. For now, I'm sticking with it but I'm wondering how many more months I can do all of this. Again, I guess it's wait and see.

Ask and You Shall Receive....Sometimes

I got the results from my MTHFR blood tests. I called my GC to find out if I could get the form we're filling out ahead of time - she said there's no form, I just need to know my family's medical history (duh) but that I should bring a copy of the MTHFR results with me to the appt on Wed. What?! I don't have those! I'm thinking Oh Great...more hunting down my records, and right after I requested everything be sent to Dr. S.

So I call Nice Nurse. She's being wayyy to helpful! She said No Problem, she could fax it right over to me and I didn't need to send a consent form or anything. Ok?! Okay! So she did and I got it - it's like reading Gibberish but that's okay. I'm glad to finally have it - and to know. Maybe Jeeves can shed some light on this for me. Or Sara, my MTHFR sistah.

I have one copy of the A1298C mutation and I do not have the C677T mutation.

Only 6 more days until my GC appointment and hopefully to getting more answers.

My fertility monitor is still saying low. I have no idea if I'll get anything else - FF is saying I should 'o' on Sunday. Hmmm. I decided to buy a package of OPKs because I'm pee-stick obsessed and can't take my monitor's low as an answer. I'm getting 2nd lines, not quite as dark as the test line, but I'm thinking maybe tomorrow or Saturday will be a +opk. My temps are still a little screwy but I haven't 'o' yet according to them (Thank God!) so that's a good sign.

The only factor in this we're (dh and I) are having a problem with is the pressure. I'm trying not to tell him all of what's going on (too late though, he knows this cycle) because I don't want him to get 'performance anxiety'. Granted, I feel like we do it to ourselves a little bit - I mean there's only a few days when I'm fertile and the bding really counts. But it's not as easy as it seems, all this baby-making "doing it". This isn't what I had in mind - although, all of that is out the window, due to the circumstances that we're in.

So here's to thinking about not thinking about.

Playing Catch Up

What a week I've had - I can't believe I haven't posted in 7 days. Some days go by so fast and others painfully slow...but this past week flew by.

On the doctor front - GREAT NEWS!! I got my appointment with the genetic counselor! Woohoo! It's next Wednesday, 6/22. Turns out that Vacation Girl wasn't the reason I got the appointment, it was all thanks to my new OB, Dr. S. I'm so psyched! I'm nervous about it but excited too. I just want answers!

I contacted all of my 'old' doctors to release my records to Dr. S. Nice Nurse called me first thing Friday morning - which has never happened - to ask a question about releasing them. She was so nice and friendly, I'm wondering what is up. My friend suggested that maybe they're wondering what another doctor will say about my records and what happened with my last prenancy...it's a thought. I thought maybe they're happy to see me go (which is a terrible thought but still I wonder). I kind of don't care, really...I'm not letting the door hit me in the ass on the way out.

On the baby making front, things are a little crazy. My fertility monitor is causing me more stress than help. I'm on cd17 and usually ovulate around cd21 or cd22. I am still getting low readings. I've switched from the poas method to the cup dipping method of taking the test in the morning...but still it's low. And my temps are all screwed up! It's so frustrating. I'm trying not to worry too much but honestly, I'm stressed out. Trying not to start bding too soon but not miss it isn't as easy as I had hoped.

And, this weekend is proving to be quite a challenge for dh and I to actually be together! I am working out of town but he's trying to get there with me for the weekend. And to make matters more stressful, it's our 5th wedding anniversary on Saturday. I just feel all of this pressure on me to get it right this month. Ack. I don't work well under pressure!

Hopeful With a Grain of Salt

I've had a rough couple of days - my emotions are all over the place. Dh and I talked about the baby we lost on Saturday night. He doesn't mention it very often but when he does, I do my very best not to cry. Crying makes it too hard for him to talk about it because he thinks he's upsetting me. I tried to explain to him that's not what's happening. At any rate, we did talk about it and he told me some of things that hurt him the most (getting to see the ultrasound - hand and feet - and also getting so attached). We also talked about next time. He doesn't want to get attached next time. I told him it's not that easy for me and he understood that. We had a good conversation and it reminded me that we're both still hurting.

On a great note, I went to see my new ob today, Dr. S! My appointment wasn't for another 3 weeks but I was on the wait list and for once, the system worked. I went in this morning. The office is nothing to write home about - but Dr. S and her nurse are SO nice. She asked me what happened and I told her the short story. I came close to breaking down but didn't cry so that was good.

From what I told her, she thinks I lost the baby due to a placenta issue, which I thought too. She thinks that maybe it didn't latch onto my uterus properly. She also said the repeating bleeding was most likely a sign of that. Dr. K never mentioned any of this - she just kept telling me the tear would 'heal itself' and it wasn't a problem at all. Now I'm thinking she was wrong.

Dr. S said she doesn't believe there is any reason for this same problem to happen again. It was good news, but I take it with a grain of salt. She hasn't seen my records yet. I know there will never be 100% chance of it not happening but I do admit, it does feel nice to hear that maybe it wasn't me or something I did after all.

Of course, the MTHFR issue came up. She asked me if carry 1 or 2 mutations and I don't know. I think one. She told me to call the genetic counselor again and get an appointment with them. HA, take that, Vacation Girl! I called when I got home and sure enough, got the same story - they're very busy with pregnant women and haven't had time to see me.

I was so pissed I told her I was sick of hearing that and if I don't get an appointment, I'll be one of those pregnant women they're trying to see and I would be basket case waiting to get in. She's working on getting me an appointment by the end of the month and is going to call me back.

Dr. S and I talked about managing my next pregnancy. She said the MTHFR results may play a part and mentioned treatment - baby asprin, heparin shots - but wants to wait to see the results herself. We also talked about my anxiety and what a hard time I will have next pregnancy. She said I'm not high-risk, per se, but will keep an eye on me. The first 12 weeks I'll be a "regular" pregnant women with no extra care. Then, she wants me to break down my pregnancy to make it easier to handle. Week 13-20, then the dreaded 21st week which she knows I'll have a hard time with. Then we'll go from there - to viability, to 30 weeks, full term, ect.

I am happy and hopeful! I feel like I've found a nice doctor who can understand what I'm going through. That's such a relief. Being closer to my house, affiliated with a different and better hospital and having a NICU are all things that reassure me. Now I just have to get pregnant.

Let the New Pee Stick Obsession Begin

It's here, it's here!! It actually came yesterday and I'm psyched. The fertility monitor, of course! I went out and bought the sticks last night too. It was kind of expensive but I did save a lot on it since I bought it on eBay. Now I just want it to work!

Let the new obsession begin!

Vacation Girl did not call me back. I'm so irritated! As Sara said in her comment, it's time open up a can of whoop-ass.

Seriously, is it me? I do realize that I'm not the doctor's only patient. I understand the genetic counseling is a time-sensitive issue. And I understand the girl was out of the office yesterday and has phone calls to return. But honestly, wtf?

I will call *again* in the morning. I feel such a pain in the ass. But at the same time, I really don't care what I feel like if I can get some answers.

Only 27 more days until my appointment with my new ob, Dr. S. I cannot wait.