A Lesson Learned

I've met a lot of women who have had miscarriages and stillbirths online since I lost the baby in December. I've found a wonderful support system through them. I've also learned a lot about infertility and all of the things that women who can't get pregnant go through to try. Clomid, IUI, in vitro...it's amazing what modern medicine has done in the baby making department. I have such a high respect for these women. Until recently, my exposure to the ups and downs of trying to become pregnant and infertility were limited to my close friends and Charlotte from Sex and the City. Getting pregnant was something that you tried to do and eventually it would happen. At least with my group of IRL friends. None of them are infertile. I do have a few friends that lost babies - during the first trimester and even one that lost a baby at 16 weeks. But until I lost mine, I had no idea how often and how common this really is.

And infertility. After my roller coaster ride since December 26th and the hoopla with my doctors...I really think highly of women dealing with infertility. All of the doctor's appointments, the treatments, the drugs...and worst of all, the waiting. And the hoping. My heart goes out to anyone who is trying to have a baby but can't. I can't say that I know that feeling but I can imagine it - just from the patience I've had to have over the last few months. And some women go through this for YEARS. If I could wish anything, it would be for women dealing with infertility to have a child.

I also have to say that pregnancy loss is really something I had never imagined until it happened to me. I had no idea how it could change someone's life. More than one someone's - the father, the grandparents, the aunts, ect. It's really something. I really wish I knew before. So many people, after we told them about us, would say, "Oh, I lost a baby once too.". I had a few friends tell me, which I hadn't known before. Even my great-aunt told me she lost a baby once, a long, long time ago. And now I know two people who have had stillborns. Before, I would have said zero if someone had asked me. It's just not something that people talk about.

Why is that? Why is this so hush-hush?? When people ask me if I have any children, I still say not yet. It happened yesterday at the hair salon. I feel guilty, almost like I'm denying the baby I lost. He was still my child, still my son. But for fear of being uncomfortable, or having a meltdown!, I say none. The hopes, the wishes I had for him...those were all real feelings. They were first-time parent, very naive feelings that I will never get back.

I've already decided that when/if I'm pregnant again, when people ask me if it's my first, I hope to tell them, "No. It's my second but I lost the first". It seems so sad, but I hope I can tell people that. Now when I see a pregnant women, I get the jealous feeling first and then I wonder how easily she became pregnant. Was it planned? Has she lost a baby? Does she even know that's an option? It's so weird, but it's something that runs through my mind.

As for me and my baby making journey, it's stopped. Kind of like a speeding up to the red light and jam on the brakes stop. I'm 3 DPO and it doesn't mean much. Except that I hope to get AF in 11 days. If so, then being able to track my cycles worked and that might be a miracle in itself!

Speaking of miracle, I really wish good things for those who are trying to get pregnant. I wish lots of babies to lots of mommies who really want them. Including all of my Blogger friends and my SG friends. And, me included, too.