Finding the Balance

April is almost here. I'm happy about that because we're going to start TTC again in April. Although, wouldn't you know my cycles actually fall so I ovulate in May - meaning even though we want to start in April, it works out so we're not actually "trying" until May. Go figure.

I've been thinking a lot lately about how far I've come on this journey of healing. My answer can really depend on the day. It feels like I'm making progress some days but others, such as yesterday, seem like the hurt is still very new. I wish there was some kind of magical way I could heal and move forward yet remember the baby we've lost...but of course, I know there isn't a magical way. So instead, I'm here, doing the best I can day to day and trying to learn from this. Sometimes it seems as though I'm learning a lot - other times it's hard to believe this all really happened to me.

I think that's what it all boils down to, I can't believe this all really happened.

I have to say though, it's become a part of who I am. Again, this can be a good thing or a bad thing. Sometimes it's good - I've learned a lot about myself and my husband. I've learned I'm stronger than I thought I was. But sometimes it's bad - I've learned that I'll never stop missing the baby that's gone. I guess it's all about finding a balance.

I got another negative OPK today. I shouldn't be surprised - it's only CD11. According to mymonthlycycles.com, my "fertile days" don't start until Tuesday, which means my OPK might not turn positive for a few more days. At least I know now, so it's not so disappointing when I don't get a line. I've also found it ironic that OPKs look just like pregnancy tests. The reminders are constant.

I guess it all really is about finding that balance.