Twelve Weeks

It has been 12 weeks since we lost our baby. 3 months. It seems like a really long time. Like it's this thing that never happened. Sometimes it's hard to believe I was pregnant - 5 months pregnant. Like it was a dream.

Then, on the other hand, it feels like it just happened yesterday.

The last two weeks have been rough for me. I know this journey is going to be ups and downs but it seems like more downs lately. I thought I was doing good. I guess I am, I have to expect the downs. They just happen. Kind of like what happened to me.

I want very badly to be pregnant again. I'm afraid...terrified actually. But there's something about the thought of being pregnant again that makes me happy. Like maybe I can go through it again, with a better outcome and enjoy it a little bit. As scary as it all seems, I'm excited too. It's a very, very strange feeling. I don't think anyone can understand it unless they are there too. It's weird.

I'm so frustrated with my doctors I could scream. I called Dr. M and left a message, begging her to help me get those results ASAP. I'm so tired of begging, of trying to get everything done now so I can move on. On top of everything else, it's just too much. I hate it.

My plan is to call again in the morning. AF showed up today so I have another 4 (or 5) weeks before we start the TTC cycle. I desperately want to get the tests done and results back before we start trying. And I've decided I'm 100% changing OBs after I get pregnant. It's pretty much a done deal.

On a side note, I've learned something from all of this. I've learned who my true friends really are. Some of the people I expected to be there for me weren't and some people who I had no idea would be so supportive have. It's surprising and amazing. Dh and I were talking today about who to tell next time - and we've agreed that the people who aren't supportive don't get to know. I only want my friends who will support me for both the good things in my life and the bad. God knows, I'm going to need all the good support I can get. And right now, I can't wait to get to that point.