Other People's Joy

The good news is that I made it through Should-Be-Baby-Shower-Sunday. That was a huge step forward for me. Granted, I was cranky and didn't really want to be bothered with anything else. And I thought a lot about the "should-be's". But I made it. Although, if it was a preview to the weeks before and after my due date, it's going to be a long April and May.

The bad news is that I have a heavy heart. Actually, I should word it differently. My heart is tired of hurting. I'm tired of being the one who lost a baby, the one who's trying to make good out of it. I shouldn't be in the position and for the life of me, I can't figure out why I am. I'm trying to accept there will be no answers but I'm having a really tough time with it.

Today I went to the mall. It's funny how some days it really bothers me and others I could care less. Today though I saw a mommy and a daddy with a newborn boy and of course, I burst into tears. I can't help it. I hate that it sneaks up on me. I hate that other people's joy makes me miserable. I'm tired of that feeling. I just want it to be my turn for that joy. Of course, the escalators in every store seem to be in near the baby department. Here I am in Target, going up the escalators in tears, looking at all the baby stuff - including the new display titled "Just One Year".

Sigh.

I called the hospital again today. What a circus. So here's the update: The lady who I faxed my consent to send my records form too finally got it to the Medical Records Department last Thursday. Woo hoo. Unfortunately, it takes 7 business days to get them ready to mail. The woman I talked with today asked me when my appointment was and that if it was soon she could put a rush on it.

I took a minute to compose myself and told her that my whole life was on hold until those records get sent. Time, for me, is standing still. My doctor won't make any further appointments until she gets those records. So yeah, putting a rush on it would be a good idea.

I think she got the point.

She told me to call again tomorrow to make sure they get mailed but they should be at Dr. K's office on by next Friday, 3/25. We shall see.

On a TTC note, I'm really excited for next month to get here so we can start trying. I'm trying to focus on the positive without getting too wrapped up in the TTC details. I'm going to try out the OPK this month just to see and I'm going to keep an eye on my CM too, since who really even notices that stuff? Not me. But now I will. Hopefully my ovulation calendar will cooperate and maybe, just maybe, there will be another baby someday for me.