Like a Butterfly

I've found something interesting in the butterfly. Right after we lost the baby, I had this sudden attachment to butterflies. I'm not even sure why. Sure, I liked them before but they have a new significance now. I think it's because there's a double meaning. One - butterflies, to me, are magical. They're beautiful, quiet creatures that show up around us unannounced. Second - there's something amazing about them because they start out as ugly, hairy little caterpillar. Then, they cocoon into colorful butterflies.

It's almost like they're a "sign" of our angel baby. Right after we got back from the hospital, I decided to buy a journal. I went to pick one out at the store and there was one with a beautiful saying on it (which I'll save for another post) about a butterfly. Then I got several cards and even a flower arrangement with butterflies in them. So, they're a reminder of our baby - that he's all around us, all the time, especially in my heart.

Then, there's the meaning they have for me. I feel like right after everything happened, I was a very, very broken person. I felt like my heart was literally breaking. In fact, my dh and I would say to each other "my heart hurts". It's a terrible feeling. And the roller coaster we've been on ever since really is a journey - I would say it's changing, not necessarily better all the time, but the emotions are just different now.

So when I think about it - my feelings are kind of like that of a butterfly. The caterpillar cocoons, then emerges into the butterfly. I like to think that is what's happening to me. I started out this journey - broken and hurting - and over time, I hope to emerge something better, something stronger than before. Like a butterfly.

Here's one of my favorite butterfly poems: (sorry, not sure who wrote it)
"A butterfly lights beside us like a sunbeam.
And for a brief moment its glory and beauty
belong to our world.
But then it flies on again,
and though we wish it could have stayed,
we feel so lucky to have seen it".