Babies Everywhere, None for Me

I had a rough start to yesterday. I got an email from a good friend of mine. It was a group email letting everyone know she had her baby. Everything went well but labor was really hard and she now has headaches. Again, I'm happy for her - but I could care less about the headache part. Seriously - her baby is here, early, none the less and she's bitching about headaches. Unbelieveable.

So the day went on, blah as usual. I went to the gym. Actually, it kicked my ass again but I went. Then I got home in the afternoon to another group email. From another friend who has a 4 month old boy telling everyone how great his life is.

SIGH.

I feel like I'm being tortured. Like not only am I dealing with the loss of my son (wow, I usually just say losing a baby) but I have to deal with everyone's happiness. It's hard for me. I'm happy for them but very sad for me. And it seems like every day. There's some new baby or cute baby thing I have to hear about or baby shower...ugh. Baby shower. Mine would be in 8 days. Here we go again with the counting.

I'm really trying to move forward. Some moments I feel great - like yeah, I can do this! I can move on and not hurt so much. And then the hurt comes back, worse than before. It's a roller coaster ride. One I never asked to be on. I hate it.

How do I make this sad thing that happened part of me and still be able to move on? I'm tired of being sad and cranky. I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of being stuck here and I'm not allowed to move on yet. I'm still waiting for that 2nd cycle before we start trying again. I wouldn't want to try this month anyway but still...here I am, just stuck here and it sucks.

I can't even express how utterly terrified it makes me feel when I think about being pregnant again. It's so overwhelming and so scary. But I want it SO bad. I bought the book "Trying Again". I almost read it cover to cover without stopping - it's a GREAT book. One thing they say is you know you're ready when the want outweighs the fear. I'm almost there.

I'm thinking about buying a ovulation predictor kit. I'm hoping it would give me a little extra luck in trying to concieve in April. I'm just afraid I'm going to worry myself sick over this whole TTC thing. I'm still debating but I'm planning on checking them out in the store. Anyone know if they're hard to use? It sounds silly but I'm even thinking of trying it out this month. We're not trying but I'm curious to see how it works. I know they're not cheap, but if $30 will give me a peace of mind next month when I'm trying it for real, it'll be worth every penny.