Miserable

I am miserable tonight. All around, cranky to no end miserable. I can't kick the feeling so I'm trying to accept it and I'm hoping tomorrow I'll feel better.

My day was going okay. I left a message for Nice Nurse. She never called me back. So I called again this afternoon and finally got her. Turns out she was calling to find out if I knew anything about the results or if they even did a chromosome test. I tell her, again, there are no results. To anything. Nada, none. So she tells me she received another copy of my records today - I figure it's since I called so many times.

I told her I'd call Dr. M directly for those specific results. I also told her I'm getting frustrated and it's hard to move forward with the same question popping up. Seriously. I wonder if Dr. K is hoping to find it was a chromosome problem and voila! No more questions, no blood work, no prenatal testing. It sounds like the easy way out. But NO - I don't know if that caused our baby to die. I just don't know. Can't we start to move forward??

Then I got home. There's a package - I love getting packages! But....it's a big, heavy box from Enfamil. Baby stuff. I threw it away, I couldn't even look it. Why are all of these reminders showing up on days when I can't handle it?? I check my email...today's Friday, which means there's another "You're so-and-so weeks pregnant!" Yup, there it is, unread - 33 weeks. I unsubscribed two weeks ago from that newsletter but it can take 4 weeks for me to stop getting them. I have that to look forward to.

I'm just miserable. It's awful, it's just not fair. I know - life's not fair. But why me??

And the icing on the cake - still no AF. I'm frustrated. I feel like my doctors and even my body aren't helping me get on with TTC and heal with this loss. I'm feeling stuck again. And I hate it.